The best Christian Spiritual Growth books: crowd reviews

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100% stop giving her money, now.

Here are more tips but you have to decide what is necessary.

Block her number for awhile and give yourself space. She isn't a relationship worth having. She just tears you down. I know "it's family," but sometimes, that isn't enough. She isn't making ANY sort of effort to repair or GIVE into your relationship. She is just taking. (I have no idea why you pay for things for her...)

I would cut it off for 1-6 months and see how it goes.

Let other people deal with her, if she hasn't driven them away, already.

She will never learn anything if people keep helping her, despite the 1-way relationship.

Read up on Boundaries. It's the best lesson I have ever learned regarding relationships.

>How can I start nipping that behavior in the bud with her? Any advice is welcome.

You can't change her. Thankfully, you can change you(ie your response).

To poorly quote another redditer,"Boundaries are something you do FOR yourself, not TO someone else. ". It sounds like you are primed to set some boundaries. I would highly recommend reading the book, but here is some advice based on my experience.

It is good that you are done. That is a great starting point! Sit down and make a list of what you don't like about interactions with your Mom (this can also help later if the fog decends). Then make a list of what you are willing to give her (time, money, energy, social engagement, etc), and what is too much. Decide on these boundaries when you are in a calm and clear headspace.

Next, comes the hard part, enforcing those boundaries. Don't let your self give in, especially when the heat is on. You have set rules for your self and will follow them. Support your own good in following these healthy boundaries that you set. Have compassion for yourself as you struggle with this. Remember that humans can change, but it takes time. You can do this.

Please don't let anyone tell you how to feel or what to feel. Feeling are information about what you are experiencing, what your internal state is. Listen to that voice.

We might be able to advise on how to react to emotions, but in and of them selves, emotions are info/data.

It sounds like your MIL is setting up a pattern of emotional manipulation and dishonesty. These make her an unsafe person. It is a good idea to keep a distance from things/people that are unsafe.

There are boundaries between all people. They are part of the natural social contract that exist between people. They tell us "I end here" and " you start there". Your MIL stomped on those boundaries. It may be time to make them more explicit and more firm.

If you haven't already, I would recommend reading "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud. It helped me a lot. It has some good stuff to say about boundary stomping mamas.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310247454/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_W9clBbYVG9R3W

Best of luck!

I suggest the following books by former anti-Catholic Presbyterian Minister Catholic Convert Scott Hahn. Read them yourself then give them to your boyfriend and discuss them with him.

Rome Sweet Home: Our Journey to Catholicism by Scott Hahn

And

Hail, Holy Queen: The Mother of God in the Word of God

Rome Sweet Home by Kimberly and Scott Hahn is a good read and a compelling conversion story for someone with the questions you have. It's a pretty easy, fast, and enjoyable read.

In regards to the Catholic version of Christianity (what I’m familiar with) there are some realistic and historically credible events and ideas to hold onto. Especially when looking for foils in the Gospels it’s hard to poke too many holes. There’s some real credibility between the Synoptics and the Acts of the Apostles. specifically in regards to authorship it all comes together to add needed credibility to what are otherwise unbelievable events. Read this book if you’re interested in this topic, it’s really informative: https://www.amazon.com/Case-Christ-Journalists-Personal-Investigation/dp/0310339308

This isn’t super relevant though. What’s import is helping Fiverr Jesus. Also “bonus levels” lol.

Edited to better clarify my point :)

Have you read Rome Sweet Home: Our Journey to Catholicism by Scott Hahn ?

Scott Hahn and his wife were Presbyterian Ministers and Anti-Catholic Apologists that Converted. Many converts I know have spoken highly about him. I was born Catholic but I was away for over 24 years before the Lord called me back home 2 years ago. God bless you and we welcome you.

NT Wright (former Anglican Bishop of Durham) has addressed this quite a bit. Here is a shorter treatment. His book Surprised by Hope is fairly accessible yet scholarly.

In summary, the rapture comes from a series of Scriptures strung together from Daniel, 2 Thessalonians, Matthew, and Revelation. None of them are overtly about a bunch of people suddenly going missing while the Earth goes bonkers. Rapture is primarily a Western concept that had a few pockets of belief until it was popularized in the 19th century. It has never been embraced by Catholics, Orthodox, Methodists, Anglicans, and other major denominations.

Most of what Scripture suggests about the future is centered around the Resurrection, which is overtly discussed in multiple places. Wright suggests Resurrection is the great hope of Christianity.

I really like the book boundaries. It changes the way you think about and act in relationships. It’s all logical, but if you’ve never thought about your relationship that way it’s a new way of doing things.

You are an adult. You get to choose how your mother treats you and interacts in your life. Draw some firm boundaries there and if she can’t abide them she will have consequences.

People with no boundaries and people with boundaries that are to intense suffer. You need to find the middle. So, for instance, if you don’t want her to kiss baby then say ‘it’s flu season and I’m not comfortable with you kissing baby. If you do kiss him, I’m going to have to hold him or put him in his swing’...and then do that. If she’s speaking about you in a disparaging way (your mom is being silly. Who raised her. Etc) calmly say that you are this child’s mother and you will raise this child according to your own guidelines, just like she got to raise her kids according to hers. If she can’t respect that, then maybe it’s best for her to leave and come back another time when she can respect your rules.

Be kind, but firm. It’s great practice because when baby is 2/3 you will get to do lots of work establishing and maintaining boundaries.

Boundaries is a great book about developing this skill. It has some Christian references (which you may or may not be into), but it is such a useful book.

> For a good counter argument, read https://www.amazon.com/Evidence-That-Demands-Verdict-Life-Changing/dp/1401676707 > > EDIT. I'm not surprised you are all downvoting me, and now I've got an "lol" mocking. > > At any rate, I have a large collection of theological book, written by scholars, doctors, and even half-crazy people. > > If you do not read the other side, you do not understand where they are coming from. > > Futher, studying theology is like studying a language, doubles twice as well if you can speak both.... > > Those are not all my theology books, my books aren't really that organized by topic. > > EDIT AGAIN: One final thought -- I had a middle school English teacher tell me a couple things that really resounded with me. One of which was that everyone should have a library. Most people in the modern world that do this keep them digitally, which is awesome. I grew up in the age where that didn't exist. We had books. I have lots of books. Many of them are books that are totally against what I think/believe/accept/like. I read them anyways, because I'd rather not be ignorant debating for or against something I feel strongly about. > > And again, if you'd like to be stimulated by a thoughtful counter argument, grab the book I mentioned and read it; there is a reason it has sold millions of copies, you can probably find it at an estate sale for a quarter, and its not because early indoctrination, it's because thought process takes more than a reddit post or a snide personality.

Good god the "I KNOW WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT, SEE, I POSTED PICTURES OF BOOOKS" argument.

Oh and you are an idiot to boot... just saying

In my opinion, talking to family about a fight between spouses is very inappropriate. Having a mentor that is not invested in the relationship would be ideal if she absolutely has to talk to someone. Have you read the book Boundaries together?

I'm trying to write a comment but it hurts too much to try to put this into words.

I'm so sorry for what you went through. A father is supposed to be the spiritual leader of the home and what you experienced is so twisted and damaging. I can't adequately express my sorrow over what I just read.

The worst thing about this is our relationship with our earthly father will color the way we see God for the rest of our lives. Unless we regularly replace our thinking from what we experienced with truth from God's word we will forever feel from God what our fathers caused us to feel.

There is a book called Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Townsend that I would recommend to you. It talks about healthy ways to deal with difficult people in our lives that cause you pain.

I don't know how to answer your question about honoring. But you do need to forgive him and try to look for the good in him and honor that. Your father is a sinner created in the image of God but broken. Maybe some day you can see the good in him. I don't know.

It might help to write down what you want to say to your BF, as well has have the harassing DMs ready to show him. If you’re too nervous to say it aloud then have him read what you wrote instead. You can also try practicing out loud what you want to say, that helps too.

> I really hope he doesnt come over to confront me after my bf says something o him

If his friend does come over just don’t answer the door. Don’t answer it. You do not have to open your door to him, you do not have to let him in your home, and you do not have to talk to him or explain yourself to him. If he gets angry then so what? He’s a jerk! Let him be angry!

If he refuses to leave or makes you feel threatened call the police and have him removed for trespassing. It’s 10000% ok to be “rude” or “mean” if someone is making you feel threatened, don’t put yourself in danger because you’re worried about politeness. Your safety matters more than this dude’s ego.

I’m really sorry you’re in this position. I have to say though that it sounds like you might have difficulty sticking up for yourself and setting healthy boundaries with people (and maybe some anxiety going on?). If it’s an option therapy could be really helpful with developing those important life skills (here’s a guide on how to find affordable therapist if needed, there are also some online therapy websites that tend to be more affordable than in-person ones), if therapy is not an option then there are some good books out there about setting healthy boundaries that you might benefit from checking out (such as Boundaries: When to say yes, how to say no)

Good luck tonight! Just remember to take some deep breaths if you feel yourself geting too anxious. You can do this!

This book will be super helpful! You’re right that your husband is 100% the priority now. Everyone else comes after that, including parents.

Tell her she (your mom) needs to read the book, Boundaries: by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

It's written by two Christian psychologist and is an incredible read. I love Jesus and there's nothing biblical about continuing to support that type of behavior. You can have compassion and still have standards for what you will and will not accept.

I wish more people would read this book. Check it out, it might give you a way to explain things to your parents and hopefully they will understand that you're actually doing the loving thing here.

https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454

Edit: clarifying wording

I was living independently prior to my daughter being born. She interferes as much as I allow her to. You are a 31 year old woman. You are the only one in control here.

You really need to read this book, hold on I’ll link it

Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310351804/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_66Z8DFY5TEWFVHDY5B0G

I've been reading The Bible Tells Me So, which is about rethinking how we understand scripture, and is really good so far. I very rarely read non-fiction, but it's kept me interested. It does a good job of making its point succinctly and not repeating itself much.

I forgot to mention a book that really helped me and my husband with boundaries (and my husband isn't much of a reader of self-help literature). We each grew up with a PD parent, so we need help!

When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Control/dp/0310351804/ref=dp_ob_title_bk

It is Christian-based, which would automatically have made me reject the book (because I don't like Bible-thumping), but actually it totally changed my mind about the morals and ethics of setting boundaries. We must, say the authors, in order to grow personally and spiritually ourselves, and to make sure others are free to do the same. They say boundary-stompers must be stopped, and we must stop them.

It is great, I promise! I re-read it every time I feel guilty about my mother, which is a lot, and get a boost of confidence every time. I've had it on my bookshelf for at least a decade. The guilt and manipulation of a PD parent is fierce. This book's concepts is like garlic for that.

My husband and I liked their other book, "Safe People" just as much, but I don't find it on Amazon. It is here: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/p/safe-people-henry-cloud/1101957885/2679450583166?st=PLA&sid=BNB_DRS_Core+Catch-All,+Low_00000000&2sid=Google_&sourceId=PLGoP79700&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI16vy1rGc2gIVnkoNCh1REQo1EAQYAyABEgL5uPD_BwE

My husband read Safe People in one sitting and announced his mother wasn't a safe person, and immediately totally changed the way he relates to her--which saved our marriage and family. He LOVED the Biblical stuff because his mother used to use Christian values as a bludgeon whenever she wanted her way over everyone else's. This stopped that.

Other people gave good advice re therapy for all. But some important points:

-Ex needs to understand this is your home. You need ground rules. She's a welcome guest until she can get back on her feet. For example, one of your rules to stay might be therapy. Maker a written list (even where she needs to park her car) and have a sit down ASAP.

-Great book idea might be "Boundaries" as it teaches you how to nicely draw the lines to protect yourself. And you need to stay safe in order to help. So read it so you can help them more.

-While you can forgive her & I hope you do, that does not mean you need fully trust her. They are not the same.

You can do this friend.

​

I’m so sorry you are in this position. I can tell you are hurting, and validly so. Your husband is not fulfilling his duty as a spouse, nor is he committing to the vows he made to you. This is clearly a problem in your marriage that he is at least part of.

However, you can not, and should not try to, control his actions. You are commanded to minister to your husband, to respect him, and submit to his authority (when it is in line with God’s commands for you, and the law of the land you’re living in). You can control your actions alone; any attempt to manipulate your husband will lead to worse issues, not fix anything.

I recommend reading Boundaries in Marriage: you need to figure out what your boundaries are, how to enforce them, and what that means for your marriage.

On another note, a lot of people have a lot of dumb things they say and ask newlyweds, especially if they don’t know you guys are struggling. Pray for grace (and more grace!!) when you encounter those comments: they might stop after years 2-3, but I doubt it.

Ps, you need the book "No more Mr Nice Guy" and perhaps also the book on Boundary by Henry Cloud. The last one may have some Christian undertones but can be read by non religious people too....

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310351804/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_glt_fabc_2F5ZT2VCRW6KX9A64442

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310351804/ref=redir_mobile_desktop?_encoding=UTF8&aaxitk=184fc26e2ff8f10e5824dc0dee08c1f5&hsa_cr_id=3573033300901&pd_rd_plhdr=t&pd_rd_r=cfd0adb2-4029-4890-81e8-cbda24f1c103&pd_rd_w=B4YHy&pd_rd_wg=ANnsy&ref_=sbx_be_s_sparkle_mcd_asin_0_img

Boundaries, my friend, are not inherently un-Christian!!

You sound like a awesome, smart, wise, mature kid who's unfortunately more mature than your parents. I'm so sorry your parents are treating you this way. Please keep in contact with positive people you trust (grandma, coach, counselor, etc). This is completely your parents fault, not yours!

You might also find supportive folks in r/justnofamily and/or r/raisedbynarcissists. Not everything may apply to you, and their advice can be blunt - but I think you need to be careful with your parents and set some healthy boundaries. I also recommend the book Boundaries. It's written from a Christian perspective and is a great resource.

> I also worry about denominations and stuff because... what if I got the wrong one?

It's probably fine. Like the other commenter said, Christianity isn't about making sure you get everything right. It's about working to align your heart with God's. The idea of looking up what is and isn't a sin actually doesn't make sense.

Regarding denominations, denominations are different for a lot of different reasons. Some of them are stylistic. Some of them are theological. There are definitely issues where some denominations are right and some denominations are wrong. I'm pretty certain that no denomination is right about everything. But we don't need to be right about everything in order to be in a good relationship with God.

Consider Peter and Paul in the early church. They had some pretty major disagreements, and they thought differently about a lot of things. If the idea of denominations were around, they almost certainly would have been in different denominations. But they're both figures that we are given to look up to as role models for how to follow God. They definitely weren't both right all the time. But that's okay.

As a side note, I would highly recommend the book "The Bible Tells Me So", by Peter Enns. I haven't finished reading it yet, but I think it does a really good job of presenting a case that the modern "this is the list of rules" way we have of reading the Bible is flawed.

While not bishops anymore I would still strongly recommend looking into N. T. Wright and John Shelby Spong. Specifically, I would check out Surprised by Hope (Wright) and Liberating the Gospels (Spong).

Again, both are no longer bishops but once were and today remain influential contemporary figures in the Church.

Have you read "Rome Sweet Home" by Scott and Kimberly Hahn? It is their conversion story. Both staunch anti-Catholics, Scott came to the faith first and made a promise to Kimberly that he would wait five years before coming into the Church. Instead, he knew he had to come in earlier and it cause big problems in their marriage. Also, Dr. David Anders, "The Catholic Church Saved my Marriage." Both may help you.

While you have to handle this on your own and it feels as if you are alone, you're not. Our Lord is right beside you and so are we -- holding you up in prayer to our Lord. I'll add you, your wife and your family to my prayers. Stay strong and trust in the Lord.

edit: added links to the suggest books

So much to unpack. It sounds like you really can't help your mom. After all, how do you help someone who cannot/will not help themselves? That said, do not pay bills. It would be like giving a drunk a drink. You would be just enabling her.

I will suggest a couple of books.

1. Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud
2. Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey

Now to be funny: You know your financial plan is working when other people make fun of it. :)

Think about it. The people around you are all broke and in debt, but ridicule you for being wise with money....

Hmmm. I think I understand. A great place to start is “For the Bible Tells Me So” by Pete Enns. There’s a whole superstructure that modern Evangelicalism is built on that assumes “it’s always been this way!” in regards to Christian practice and how we read and use the Bible.

The Bible Tells Me So: Why Defending Scripture Has Made Us Unable to Read It https://smile.amazon.com/dp/0062272039/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_a5auFbPGT297R

I understand about politics and social perspectives being the "safe" topic of conversation with your parents! I thought I was the only one!

I'm so sorry that your mom threatened you when you considered moving out. That is absolutely abusive behavior. You are not responsible for her response to your decisions. She is an adult (so are you!). She is responsible for her own behavior. It might be helpful to read the book Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud if you haven't before; it explains things much better than I can.