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She is emotionally abusing her kids, your SO and you.
1/ Get a solicitor/lawyer now!
2/ Document EVERYTHING
3/ ONLY the BD should communicate with the BM
4/ All communication should be written - it’s evidence
5/ Send an email explaining the terms that were informally agreed and ask for it to be maintained
6/ Send an email stating that you ONLY want to hear about issues relating to the children, any other emails/texts/phone calls will be seen as harassment
7/ if the harassment continues, call the police. Communication about children is fine, comments and berating you/SO is not
8/ If she calls, voicemail it, no message, no response. The rules I use are email for all normal (not urgent comma), texts for important things that need a response quickly, phone call for absolute emergencies. Give examples in an email to her. Always respond to texts, if the voicemail isn’t urgent then respond with an email
9/ Set boundaries with her, you control the boundaries. She will learn them
10/ Read this book: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B014W0587S/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_kR4CDbGZ9H4K9_nodl
11/ In ALL communication, keep it business like and do NOT stoop to her level, regardless of what she’s saying
12/ If she’s not civil - no response
This approach is slowly working for me. I’ve been through exactly the same thing. It’s got so bad that I’ve filed for residence of my children due to her emotional abuse of the children.
Im with you...exactly with you. The self doubt left behind by their seemingly IDGAF attitude after that idolization phase is something no one can understand unless they've lived it. Im still trying to pick myself back up off the floor.
Any interaction with my SO, he just brings up more of what was wrong with the relationship, even towards the beginning... Im like what? We were insanely happy in the beginning like you describe, almost euphoric, so now he is saying there were always problems. None of it makes sense and never will. Im taking all the advice I can off of here, step one I got a self help book and just a half a chapter in I can see I picked the right one. " Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You , google the reviews on amazon. Sounds like a great one. Somewhere along the way I bottled my self worth in him. Im going to do everything I can to make sure that never happens again. Everything you are saying i exactly what im living and trying to fix.
I am so sorry.
I recently had a loss in my family and I'm working with a therapist who does the Grief Recovery Method. You can actually do it on your own using this book.
It's been helping.
https://www.amazon.com/Cheating-Nutshell-What-Infidelity-Victim-ebook/dp/B07XJRCM6D
This book may help you understand why you feel the way you do, and that may help you overcome it.
do yourself a favor- spend the $10 on Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life on amazon. I'm about 3/4 of the way through it and it explains these mind games far better than I could.
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https://www.amazon.com/dp/B017QL8X7M/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
Distraction. A good TV show or book, walking my dog, throwing myself into work, exercise or self-care (massage, facial). Are you able to take a weekend trip or mini-vacation? I know it is all so much harder now with COVID. There were two self-help books that were helpful to me: The Grief Recovery Handbook and Empty Cradle Broken Heart. Neither are specifically focused on our situation but the content is still applicable. I think you'll also find counseling super helpful- I did! And honestly my counselor wasn't even the best, but it was just the ability to spew all my feelings at someone who wasn't personally in my life. Will be thinking of you!!
Hi.
Same boat here. She was my best friend and I planned to spend my life with her, but yeah, not gonna happened.
I recommend reading No breakup can break you. It's written by a redditor I think and there is a free pdf somewhere but I couldn't fid it.
It will help you understand what is going on in your head, and hw to get over it.
I also recommend reading The new psycho-cybernetics. It's an amazing book that will help you get your life together, get motivated and happy.
It helped me a lot and it can help you too I hope
I’m really sorry that you and you’re mom are going through this. Please try your best to take care of yourself. You are in shock, which dehydrates you, so drink a lot of water and encourage your mom as well. Both of you try to eat, drink nutritional shakes until your appetite comes back. And see a doctor for sleep aids. Recommend both you and your mother immediately enroll in therapy, specifically for betrayal trauma. People minimize how traumatizing infidelity is for children, but you have been betrayed as well. Cheating in a Nutshell is a highly recommended book. As well as the Chump Lady Website. Keep in mind you can’t control the outcome or force either of your parents to do anything. Focus on your physical and mental health. You have your own healing. Be a support for your mother, encouraging her to eat, drink, exercise, consider going on walks with her to release both your endorphins, but do NOT become a substitute therapist. Refer your mom to survivinginfidelity.com. Wishing you all the best.
So sorry... I was too busy for details earlier...
You did not waste 9 years...you have saved yourself from 9+ more...
I know how you are feeling and I am sorry, I am going through the same thing...abandonment is a cumulative injury and when we go through it again all of the past pains come along with it. It IS a type of trauma. This book has literally been saving my life and can give far better advice than I could. Good luck on your journey, we will both be better people for this I really believe that!
The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Revised and Updated: Surviving Through and Recovering from the Five Stages That Accompany the Loss of Love https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00G3L1BMG/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_29SXYMJD2PBXWHR1628M
>Can I still salvage my marriage?
I hate to break it to you - but your marriage was over, the second she decided to be dishonest with you.
Marriage is a two way street. You can't sustain it by yourself. Yes - you love her. But she has to at the very least reciprocate that love as well as respect for you and your relationship, back. She also has to show complete remorse for what she did.
And more importantly - you have to value and respect yourself. I had the same thoughts you did - but I remember thinking, "how can I be happy with someone who doesnt give a crap about me?". Leaving my ex was the best decision I made.
Do read this book, and visit this website. It will give you a lot of helpful insight.
Sorry for what you're going through. It is not easy. and it sucks. but it does get better with time.
the fact that your wife could even do this - says alot about her. my marriage was longer, before I found out. it may not feel like it now - but better sooner than later.
I would highly recommend reading this book to help gain perspective and learn how to move forward. the author also has this blog , which carries letters daily.
Your daughter will have an adjustment period. But with time, she will adjust.
Other than your daugher, Focus on yourself and your health for now. You're already an attorney, so im sure you have all the legal bases covered - that being said, don't pay more than you need to (dont pay at all if you don't have to).
Don't look at this , as the end. This is a new beginning.
Wish you the very best.
I'm seeing a therapist who specializes in Grief Recovery Method. You can google if you're interested but instead of just open ended talking, we've worked through the steps of actually recovering from grief. It is not well-known, but it has been invaluable. I felt like I was being crushed under my grief. Now I can function again.
There's actually a book that walks you through the steps. I think it's more helpful to do it with a therapist but it can be done alone. Amazon link if you're interested.
Can't say I read that book but I am friends with someone online who went through a particularly painful cheating experience and he always recommends it. I trust his wisdom.
> Alas, I opted to stay for a while to ensure it was really over. The spare bedroom sucks; I'm looking forward to getting a decent bed again.
All the extra room isn't bad either.
Another book I'd recommend is "Cheating in a Nutshell" it's a good follow-up book to LACGAL. It takes a more scientific approach to explain cheating with lots of examples. Sadly there is no audiobook though.
https://www.amazon.com/Cheating-Nutshell-What-Infidelity-Victim-ebook/dp/B07XJRCM6D
My counselor suggested this book to me and it's been helping me with my 5 year break up.
Also counseling helps. I'm so sorry. *internet hugs*
First, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It sounds confusing and heartbreaking. Hugs.
Second, I think you should spend a bit of time considering your relationship and thinking about what it is you want in one and if you think he’s genuinely showing up to meet you there honestly.
Third, I recommend this book. It saved my life and is really approachable. The author has an online community that is incredibly supportive here.
Stay safe and protect your heart.
Right there with ya, bud. From 18-31 I was in a relationship all but a year and a bit. Honestly, this is the best part of being single. There are no rules, other than treat others as you want to be treated. I separated from my ex January 2017, but only really became "single" January this year as I was living under the same roof as her last year while separated. Focus on you and your child, first and foremost. Take the time to enjoy being single. Make sure you're connecting with friends and family, take up hobbies, and just enjoy this time. The day will come when you will find someone else, but until then, figure out the life you want and make a plan to get there. Also resist the urge to jump straight into another relationship. It's your life, but generally it's a good idea to work on yourself and figure out what went wrong in the marriage before you get involved seriously with another person. Again, it's your life, and you'll know when you feel ready, but when the loneliness hits it is far too easy to feel the urge to get with the first person who might give you attention.
I wish you luck. It can be scary, sad, lonely at times, but it is SO worth it. Sending you love, brother. You've got this. One more thing; my therapist recommended the book below to me, and I am slowly working my way through it and wish I had found it sooner. Hope it helps.
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https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01CFGRH52/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
Sorry for your loss. Here's a really good grief recovery book: https://www.amazon.com/Grief-Recovery-Handbook-Anniversary-Expanded-ebook/dp/B001NLKYIS It's not religious or anything. It's hard, I lost my Grey several years ago and he was our only bird--the silence was awkward and unbearable. It does compound with subsequent losses--check my post history, we lost our cat of 18 years and dog of 13 in the same week. Grief is a very personal thing, my dog that we just lost was my soulmate dog--it's been two months and I think of him every day. Just was out at his grave before posting this. Time makes things better, hope you find peace. Hugs. :(
It's called Rebuilding. Also the 10-week workshop I did with a group was based on this book. There are other books out there, but I recommend this one.
Some sound advice here already. I will also suggest, as cheesy as it sounds, this book that I send to every friend going through a breakup, as it helped me immensely during my divorce. It helped me by just laying things out in black and white, organized my thoughts, gave me a plan, and reminded me to take care of myself during this crappy time when it was the last thing I was thinking of. You may have days like yesterday once in a while maybe, but they will become less frequent and you'll learn you're strong enough to to move past them quickly. You're doing better than you think you are, hang in there! :)
Some days almost killed me. Some days I almost, almost tried. But that's what reddit is for. You know in life, when you really need help most of the time you can find it. Either in someone else, or in yourself. You just end up doing what you need to, to get what you want.
Try reading this book, it'll help a lot:
https://www.amazon.com/Manifesting-Love-Attraction-Specific-Relationship-ebook/dp/B00AGKV59Y
I found a post on here with breakup advice. I can't find it again but the guy wrote a book. Even though it was for men being broke up with the healing advice really helped me. It's on Amazon for cheap too https://www.amazon.com/Breakup-Can-Break-You-Definitive-ebook/dp/B00QIGRJNQ
I can't guarantee this will help, but it may be a good starting place.