What is the crowd's opinion of
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful?
From 3.5 billion comments
By popularity online, this product is:
98 reviews of this product found across the web:
He's gas-lighting you...bad. And you likely do have a form of PTSD!
-Year one is like being in ICU.
-Year 2 is like being in the hospital
-Year 3 is painful PT.
You're still in ICU! You should feel this way.
Tip: He needs to read "How to Help your Spouse Heal from Your Affair." It lays out a 15 point recovery plan. He needs to commit to those 15 points or your relationship might not ever heal.
I just realized you're not married. Oh friend, treat this as a godsend. Break it off. At a minimum downgrade him to bf. But the engagement is off!
I've seen no evidence that is true. It very well might be, but I would want to see the facts like from Shirley P Glass. Author.
On this sub, it seems 50/50.
Btw, I lean to trying to save marriages...if at all possible. Ask her to read this book right away (because of expiring lease). It's designed for the cheater. It explains the work she will need to commit to. She can even buy the audio version today and you both listen to it tonight.
Do you want it to work? If so, may I suggest going one more month without signing a lease. Having you both have to decide in a week is a lot of pressure.
I'd like to help. PM me if you want. I'm a guy in my 50s.
It’s available as a Kindle download for $7.99 on Amazon, and you don’t actually need a Kindle as you can read it online in the Kindle Cloud Reader or you can install the free Kindle app.
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful https://www.amazon.com/dp/145055332X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_2z.GBbTP2JAKC
My husband read this book. Every week. Foe two months. Until it was ingrained in his head. It has undoubtedly saved our marriage. I read it too. It truly showed the WS how e affair effects the spouse.
https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
One thing you can do is make sure your husband understands you want to help him heal, even if you dont stay together.
Since your counselling doesnt start right away, and even then your counsellor may not push for this, you can start with this book:
I would suggest, you both read “How to help your spouse heal after your affair” by McDonald. https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X/ref=nodl_?dplnkId=af2d2d40-e726-47b4-b840-de963b949a20. Most betrayed says it helped them to read it. Check out r/asoneafterinfidelity wiki for other resources
I'm sorry, OP. Your husband could be a better wayward. It sounds like he either doesn't understand that or doesn't know how. I suggest you get this book for him and ask him to read it. I would personally demand that he read it as a condition of R, but I'm kind of no-nonsense about these things and not everyone is comfortable with confrontation.
https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
If you really want to give him a chance there is a book I’ve been recommended: Help your spouse heal from your affair.
Even if she isn't, please ask her to read How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair.
People develop panic-inducing triggers because of infidelity. Even if she leaves, I would think she wants to do everything she can to stop herself from causing further harm. This book can help her do that.
> also bought and read "The State of Affairs" by Esther Perel (she's amazing).
Yeah convenient but you could probably find better books.
https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
One of them and other people here can probably recommend other ones as well.
There is no one thing you can do to wipe away her pain. There is no grand gesture. You need to consistently be a good partner.
Read this book on how to help your wife heal from your affair.
Recognise that she will be in pain, that she might lash out, that she might require reassurance, that she might get triggered...
Hold her. Tell her you love her. Tell her you're sorry. Show her how you've changed.
You are not crazy.
If he wants a relationship with you he needs to be taking major steps to prove himself to you including discussing his actions whenever you ask.
He should start by reading https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
Has she suffered any consequences for her actions? Do you passwords to all her electronic devices, phone computer, pads etc..?
What has she actively done to help you with the pain of betrayal? What has she done to restore trust? What has she done to prove she won't do it again?
Find a book like this and both of you read it. https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
I found out that in my 13 year marriage, he had one 3 year affair, one 1.5 year affair and another 1.5 year affair. After I found out I kicked him out. We had been separated for about 4 months and then started working on our relationship again. With individual counseling, marriage counseling, and him getting diagnosed with a mental illness and treatment of his mental illness has helped us substantially. We are about a year into working through our “new” marriage. I still don’t trust him. And my being “in love” with him is being built from scratch. But he has done everything right to fix this marriage.
What he has done: 1. All his friends that knew about the affairs, high fived him for it, are no longer his friends. Your wife cannot have the same friends who were complicit in these affairs. 2. His tracking is always on his phone. I can see where he is at all times. 3. His phone is always available to me to look through. I don’t. But I can if I want to. 4. He has to continue with therapy and with his medication. 5. He now participates in all household activities and chores. He does every kid event. 6. I take ownership of things that I’ve done. Yes, he’s the one that precipitated our marriage’s destruction. But although I didn’t “cause him to stray” he had a lot of pent up animosity of things that I had done. We had to work through them. 7. He read this book like once a week. For a month. I read it too. It was a great guide to move through this. It wasn’t until he read it that he realized how much damage he had done to myself and our kids. It didn’t sink in until he read it.
The one by MacDonald. I'll edit my post to be clearer. Thank you.
I did cry several times while reading that book as it was conveying my pain/issues perfectly.
And it did the trick in allowing my wayward to more fully understand what they needed to do and why. They read it in one evening (plus I had annotated almost every page with notes) and the look on their face told me just how much efficacy it had had.
You’re not alone. That’s what this sub and others are for, you might also want to check out r/AsOneAfterInfidelity for more support.
I’m three weeks out from D-Day, was in an argument about something else and when she caught me in one stupid lie and asked what else I was hiding I came clean about visiting sex workers sporadically throughout our two year relationship and very recent two month marriage. I broke her. She had a very rough childhood and had literally never met anyone that she could be 100% honest, 100% vulnerable with. We had an open relationship so the worst part is I could have shared what I was going but had too much shame and fear, i.e. ego.
First days were hell, considered suicide for blowing the most beautiful thing I’d ever experienced in my life. Since then I’ve started IC and joined a 12 step program. Have also read and written a lot on this and other subs. It has helped to know I’m not alone and that others have gotten through this.
We are currently living apart, she needs time to figure things out and I have to respect that. At first I thought a lot about how dumb I was, how I could have done things differently, if this was the end. Since then I’ve realized that if I ever want a chance at being back together with her then the only thing I can do is work on myself. Try to understand what led me to that in the first place and remember that one action doesn’t define me. I’m trying to be the best version of myself for me, and if I ever have the chance, for her.
I know it’s hard and cliche but focus on you. Love yourself, forgive yourself. I recommend reading the book:How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair
Short read and while neither of us know if we’ll get the chance to apply it I think it helps to understand the other person and what they need of you.
Best of luck and keep on writing.
Very similar situation happened to me. I just posted about it you can look in my post history. He needs to help you get over it. This book helped us a ton. It gave him the tools he needed to help me. I thought about it constantly for a few months. The only thing that helped me was talking about it, asking a ton of questions and constant apologies from my SO. It’s been 4 months now since I found out and I still think about it everyday. It’s not as bad though it’s just here and there throughout the day not constantly (like before). So it’s getting better. When my SO is around it’s easier so we moved our schedules around so we can be together more. I have my worst thoughts when I’m alone. I can tell that with time everything will just continue to get easier, but those first few months were really really hard. Anyway, make sure he knows how to help you. It’s been 4 months and we still talk about it because that’s part of the healing process.
While the skeptics are likely right here (just sayin) let's give him a small test. Tell him if he wants to sincerely work on the marriage, he'll start by reading this book. Here's the thing, if he doesn't even buy the book he's not willing to work on it. But don't ask him while angry. Make sure he commits to getting this book.
Odds are low but they are not zero. If he really wants to work on it, I have some other great book ideas.
Welcome to this sub. Sorry you found yourself in this place.
Healing from infidelity is a 2-5 year process and it requires a shit ton of work by the wayward to make this work. There are a couple of books that I recommend as standard ones. The first is How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda McDonald. This is a short 90 page book that was written by a therapist who helps couples get through this shit. She found 15 actions and attitudes that the wayward must implement in order to build a new environment of safety and security for the betrayed. This environment is needed because if you do not feel safe and secure then you will not be able to heal.
The book can be found here: https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
Her actions listed in the book are:
Waywards who want to rebuild the marriage:
• are non defensive
• examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses
• accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners
• do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner
• show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done
• make amends and apologize to loved ones
• apologize often, especially the first two years
• listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain
• allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings
• respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering
• seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity
• keep no secrets
• do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair
• are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities
• frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing
• are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair
• are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair
• don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children
• commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and Internal (Spiritual) growth
The last point includes these actions: (I added these via my own experience)
• Individual counseling for the wayward so they can find out what is inside them that allowed them to rationalize the affair.
• Learning what constitutes safe boundaries in interpersonal relationship.
• Couples counseling once the wayward finds those whys and begins addressing them, and acceptance 100% of the affair is on the wayward (no blame shifting)
• If substance abuse is present then wayward must enter a recovery program in order to get the addiction under control.
The next book I recommend is Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Dr. Shirley Glass PhD. This is a much longer book. It can be very triggery for betrayed because she used couples from her practice and built a composite with their experiences to write the descriptions of what is going on. These can dredge up mind movies, and deep feelings. Don't let that put you off, because she does have really great insight on what is needed for the couple to get through this.
Right now you processing just WTF has happened. This takes about a year. Your mind is going up and down not just the time from when the affair started, but all up and down your entire relationship. What it's trying to do is to process the history which you have in your brain, and the history that has just been revealed. This is normal.
As your brain goes over the history it will find areas what don't add up with what the wayward has told you and what you know. Also your brain will go over information she has already given you and as you process this you will ask the question over and over. This questioning is in response to needing the truth, and a cross check of what you have been told before. Sometimes the wayward's answer will change and you will challenge it. Again your brain is searching for safety and security.
What a betrayed spouse needs and what the wayward wants to give them are 180 degree opposite directions of each other. The betrayed spouse needs the truth, and needs to know that the lies have stopped.
Right now your wife's words hold no meaning. She can tell you that she is going to the store and your mind will snap to wondering who she is meeting. Those 15 items that Linda McDonald points out are actions and attitudes that back up what the wayward is telling you.
Sometimes a wayward is regretful they have gotten caught rather than remorseful for what they have done. Those clues are in their actions. If they say things like "Its been 5 months aren't you over it yet?" or they become irritated and defensive there there is something going on. Actions that don't mirror McDonald's points show that the wayward has no empathy for the situation which they have put you in.
Dear OP,
You need to step back a bit and take a large deep breath. This rabbit hole goes deeper than you know. I want you to understand that nothing you did, nothing in your relationship, nothing at that has to do with you caused this cheating. This is 100% on him. There are many healthy choices that a person can make when they think that a relationship needs work, none of those includes sex with other people. The reasons for his cheating lie in his mind.
You will need to prepare yourself that there is probably more times they have met up and had sex. They were engaged in an EA and sexting which fuels the dopamine centers in the brain. It was also illicit so the secrecy also added mystery and the allure of the naughtiness of it all also built up the sexual tensions. If he took trips back to his hometown after the EA started, then I can almost bet they met up then. One of the tools that cheaters/waywards use is minimization, they will only admit to what you have found out on your own. They may also pad the numbers a bit adding maybe one more to make it believable. I think he is doing this to you with telling you that it has happened twice. Hanging out multiple times means that there were multiple chances for it to happen. Please take what he tells you with a grain of salt.
>he promised to do whatever it took to win back my trust, complete transparency
But when you asked for this:
>I've asked him to give me access to his bank accounts, but he refuses.
He is willing to do anything but be transparent.
>He keeps saying that I will just dig around in the past, bringing up stuff that we're trying to move past, and it won't do any good.
Ok, so your husband, who cheated on you is an expert on what you need or what you don't need to move on? What you mean by move on and what he means by move on are two different things. He wants to rug sweep this. Make it go away. Never bring it up again so he can go back to living life. Its based in his selfishness.
>He also says that I will try to manage every single dollar he spends and get upset over him buying a coffee once in a while (I buy myself coffee too, I don't care about this sort of thing).
He doesn't need a secret bank account to buy coffee. My guess is he is worried that you will look through past transactions and find out that what he is telling you about time with AP and Him aren't exactly the full truth.
> He says he wants one last piece of privacy and just because he messed up, doesn't mean he should have zero say in how things progress.
Privacy is for when he is taking a crap. I would like to point out the disconnect here. "He messed up" Having sex with someone outside of marriage isn't messing up. Messing up is forgetting to pay your credit card bill because you forgot what day it was. Affairs are not accidents. Affairs come about by decisions.
>He offered a compromise of getting all his paychecks deposited into a joint account and then we can determine a set amount of money he can take out for random purchases, like lunches or coffees.
This isn't a compromise again its him protecting himself from you finding out things he doesn't want you to know.
> It's been two months since I found out he's cheated, and his stubborness on not letting me see his bank accounts makes me feel like he's recently been up to something shady.
Either it something shady or it's not his first affair. But he is objecting pretty strongly to this because there is something hiding in there that he doesn't want you to find out about.
>I've been working on trusting him (super hard) but now this completely sets me back. I don't know if I can move forward without seeing his bank accounts and knowing he hasn't recently been up to something behind my back.
Gently, You aren't the one that needs to be working on trust. That whole trust thing went out of the door when you found out he was having sex with another person. Once you found out, I know you would question things he said in your mind. Its ok. Its because its normal. If he heads out to have a beer or coffee with the guys, we know your mind goes to thought and wondering if he is meeting up with her or maybe another woman. Healing from infidelity takes 2-5 years, and this is only if the wayward/cheater in the relationship is doing everything they can in order to show you that you are secure and safe.
Right now you have a cheating spouse who regrets getting caught. This is much different than being remorseful.
I am going to give you a list of actions that the cheating spouse must do in order to help you heal from what they have done.
Waywards who want to rebuild the marriage:
• are non defensive
• examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses
• accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners
• do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner
• show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done
• make amends and apologize to loved ones
• apologize often, especially the first two years
• listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain
• allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings
• respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering
• seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity
• keep no secrets
• do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair
• are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities
• frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing
• are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair
• are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair
• don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children
• commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and spiritual growth
This is from the book "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" The book can be bought from Amazon
https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
At this point my guess is that he won't read it because he is still trying to hide things from you.
I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. I am the wayward in my relationship and my wife and I have been in R for over 4 years.
This isn't your fault. Read this over and over again. What you are going through is the discovery that the person the that you had invested in a relationship which you believed was monogamous has shown you that the relationship wasn't the same for them.
The innocent trust, safety, and security, which was invested at the beginning of the relationship is gone. It was wiped away from finding out the person you trusted attacked the foundation of the relationship.
Most professionals put this timeline for this healing at 2-5 years, and there is good reason for this timeline. First is that the wayward has lost all credibility in their words, which requires them to back up those words with actions. If the actions they do don't match the words they say then that sets off alarms. It takes consistent effort and work on the part of the wayward to show the betrayed that they mean what they say and doesn't happen in weeks.
Most of the world believes that getting over infidelity is: Forgive, Forget, move on. This is complete bullshit because in order to get over this you need to be shown that the person you are sharing your relationship is still not betraying you and sharing it with others behind your back.
So lets look at this formula which is usually spouted by those who don't know shit about healing from infidelity.
Forgive - You cannot forgive what you don't know about. This is why you will continue to ask questions. When something the wayward says just doesn't make sense you will question. Questioning helps you in two ways. First it is a check to see if your memory is right about an answer given. This is because there is a "Trauma Fog" in the brain after you discovery infidelity. Your brain is racing full stop 100% because its trying to figure out if you are safe or not. This is tiring so you are dealing with that. Second it is a check on the wayward to see if the story is the same. Sadly most waywards just lie, and they build stories. Problem is that since the events in the lies are false, there is no real memory to rely on to repeat them verbatim. There will be mistakes made and things will change if they are lying.
You aren't doing this to torture your wayward, you are doing this because this is controlled by the limbic system in the brain which controls the fight or flight impulses. This system is NOT controlled by the logical systems in the brain and works kinda independently. This is why you can't will this stuff away and it keeps coming back.
So the fact is that you need to know if what you have been told is the truth. The brain, under the control of the limbic system is going up and down the timeline of the relationship in your memory trying to sort out the truth of the relationship, the truth of what you have been told, and try to resolve any and all red flags that come up in your mind even with situations which happened at the very beginnings of the relationship.
Forget - There is no magic pill that will remove this from your life. You can't forget it. Forgetting about it means that you are trying to push it under the surface and not process it. What happens in this situation is that you live your life and there is this huge affair shaped elephant that you have to deal with in every interaction. Its there, and no matter what you guys do you can't ignore it. So finally after ignoring the elephant for a few months something happens and all of a sudden this huge swell of rage, and sorrow comes to the surface and its usually during a small conversation about why someone didn't clean the coffee pot or something like that.
Move on - I hate this phrase. It makes it seem that infidelity is this 4 car accident on the highway that you creep up on and then finally are able to move past and then get back up to speed and continue the journey. Affairs aren't accidents or mistakes. I prefer the term Move Through. This means that in order to heal from this you need to process what has happened. You need as much detail as you need in order for your brain to sit back and say... yeah... ok.. I can deal with this now... the holes in the past are patched with that ugly infidelity wall paper but at least the pieces fit together and I am reasonably certain I have as much truth as I need. The second part of this moving through is that your wayward partner / spouse needs to figure out what the fuck is inside his head that allowed him to choose to do this. Mind you, this was a choice. It wasn't an accident, it wasn't a mistake. It was a choice.
Moving through means that the wayward has to change some deep parts of themselves which allowed them the ability to do this. So this means that they have to address issues with their lack of honesty, lack of transparency etc.
Holy fuck, I can write a wall of text... I am getting to the end of this, I promise...
So I am going to recommend two books at this point. These were instrumental in me pulling my head out of my ass and helping me get to a point where my wife and I have been able to continue to be in reconciliation.
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. McDonald
https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
PDF found here: https://www.scribd.com/doc/65498163/How-to-Help-11-06-10-Final-PDF
This book is 90 pages and gets into the actions of what the wayward needs to start doing in order to help you heal. She gives a list of 15 actions and attitudes which are key to recovery.
The second book is:
Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Dr. Shirley Glass PhD.
https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503
This book is one of the heavy hitters. It can be hugely triggery for a betrayed because she uses examples from her clients to show how affairs start and move through the phases. However she does have good information on treating infidelity on a traumatic level because research has shown that the effects of infidelity on the betrayed are akin to those found in PTSD symptoms of those who have been in major accidents, natural disasters, and even combat.
Again, I am sorry that you are here. This is hard when the wayward is doing all the right things, and its next to impossible when they aren't.
Hey there. I am sorry you are here.
It depends on what part of the healing journey you are on. Anger is a part of that. The betrayal of infidelity isn't just about the sex, but is also rooted in the destruction of truth, reality, and trust of the relationship. This isn't something that is gotten over in a few weeks, or even a few months.
Most of the newer studies put the healing timeline of infidelity at 2-5 years, but my observation is that 3/3.5 - 5 years is the norm.
No wayward really thinks about the consequences of what an affair will do if it is discovered. The sad fact is that waywards are (and understand I am one of them) are utterly selfish and self-centered people who didn't give a damn about you at the time the affair was going on. We (including myself here) were too busy scurrying around hiding, meeting up with APs, etc to put together a full logical cost benefit analysis taking into consideration risks, and rewards of our actions. Look. I know I sound cheeky, but the reality is that I was a terribly selfish asshole who put my family through hell. I only cared about how I felt, what I wanted, and I was willing to lie, steal, and hurt people to have that.
When DDay happens the cold rush of reality hits, and the wayward gets to see what their actions have done. They have one or two choices here. They can accept what they have done, or they they can try to hide from it by trying to blame anyone and everyone except for themselves for what happened. Unfortunately those choices don't seem too clear at the beginning and it took me 7 months of lying and trickle truth to realize I had to own my actions completely without blaming anyone else.
I can tell you from seeing my wife, at almost 4 years out that it has gotten better, but there are still triggers, and there is still hurt.
If you are 5-7 months from discovering then there is something we call the anger phase. The betrayed seems to wake up one day and is just pissed off and it doesn't even seem to have anything to do with what is going on at the moment. Even if things are going great, this phase will hit. Just know that this is normal.
I didn't get a chance to look at any of your back posts, so please forgive me if I am telling you things that you already know. The majority of the work on healing from infidelity is on the wayward and what this work is aimed toward is making the betrayed feel safe and secure in the relationship. There are two books that I highly recommend that helped me to learn what I needed to learn to help my wife:
The first one is what I call the basic primer for waywards. It lists the actions that the wayward needs to be doing and continue doing.
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. McDonald
r/https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
I am going to give you Mcdonald’s list of 15 actions that a wayward spouse should be doing to help the betrayed feel safe in the relationship.
Waywards who want to rebuild the marriage:
• are non defensive
• examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses
• accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners
• do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner
• show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done
• make amends and apologize to loved ones
• apologize often, especially the first two years
• listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain
• allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings
• respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering
• seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity
• keep no secrets
• do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair
• are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities
• frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing
• are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair
• are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair
• don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children
• commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and spiritual growth
This book is 90 pages long, and it can be read in an evening by someone who reads quickly. For someone who is a slower reader it takes a weekend. if the wayward says its too hard to read, or takes too long to read it then it is showing you they think they don’t need to do much to help you heal. They need to understand that this work requires a shit ton of work on their part and they need to act. Promises don’t make it in this game.
Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Dr. Shirley Glass PhD.
r/https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503
This book is a much longer and deeper book, but it really digs into what the wayward needs to do in order to help you figure out what has happened. It talks about how actually speaking about the affair helps build trust. It talks about how the details of the affair help you piece together the missing history that you don’t have in your head. It talks about boundaries and how boundaries play a part in the beginning of the affair. While it can be hard to read by a betrayed spouse, the information contained is so good that It should be read by both spouses.
Gently dude,
I am the cheater in my relationship, so that you understand where I am coming from.
The problem isn't the AP. The problem is you. It was your poor coping skills that brought that woman into your life. It wasn't your wife. Frankly your AP could have been any woman the only difference is that you found her first. If she had strong boundaries you would have simply moved onto another target.
Your wife is focusing on the wrong person in this. Early on betrayed spouses tend to focus on the AP, because their minds are trying to get around how someone they loved could have done such a thing to them. Its a normal response, but its the wrong target. Again, let me point out the fact that it was you who opened the door to this relationship and allowed her in. Your choice your actions your decision.
You want to make things easier for your wife? Then here are two books that I think you need to read:
Book 1: How to Help your Spouse Heal from Your Affair - Linda J. McDonald. It is short, 90 pages long, larger type. You want to help her buy it today, get it from amazon and read the thing cover to cover. She has 15 actions that a wayward wanting to repair the marriage must be doing consistently.
https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
Book 2: Not Just Friends - Dr. Shirley Glass PhD - This is a longer one, and it will go into the mechanics of affairs, thought processes and most importantly what boundaries and how to strengthen them. I also suggest you read it cover to cover.
https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503
Healing time for affairs is counted in years. Most books say 2-5, my experience leans toward 4+ as the number. Most of this healing is on your shoulders. It requires you to dig very deep into yourself and figure out why you believed that having a sexual or emotional relationship outside your marriage vows was a valid and acceptable option. You must also own the fact that nothing your wife said, didn't say, do, or didn't do, think or didn't think caused you to have the affair. These choices were yours and yours alone.
I would suggest you get a therapist who understands healing from infidelity, and will hold you accountable for your actions, if at any time you are in therapy or marriage counseling and therapist alludes that your wife is partially to blame then you find another one.
I am going to be very blunt with you. Marriages can survive affairs. What they can't survive is the continued lying about the affair so if you have not come 100% clean about it and by 100% clean I mean told her everything. I suggest a timeline be written and you do it twice, in the first one you make the PG version you write how you two met, you start going through the history, when you started feeling the sexual attraction, how the affair started, the texting, the photos, the times met, the number of times of sex etc.
The next version is the same thing but listing all the sex acts, positions etc. This gives your wife the option of which one she wants to know. Do not minimize the sex. It is quite popular among waywards to minimize the number of times. the usual progression is like this:
We only kissed
We held hands
Ok we had sex, once, and I couldn't keep it up
Ok... we had sex once, but I didn't come inside her, and I wore protection
Ok.... it was once, I came inside, we were protected
I wasn't protected
We had sex 2 times
Each time you minimize and then she finds out you have lied about it she will feel like you are ripping the wounds open again. It hurts as much as the initial dday. My wife BEGGED me to rip the bandaid off and I didn't do that. I wish I did, so I am telling you to learn from my mistakes.
Right now early recovery is like Russian Roulette if you keep lying its like spinning the magazine and putting the gun up to your marriage's head and pulling the trigger. Your have lied so much the problem is you don't know how many more the marriage can stand. If you continue to do it, you will kill the marriage because you aren't willing to face the truth.
You have put your wife on a 2-5 year emotional roller coaster, you purchased the ticket, strapped her in, and now she is on this ride and she didn't have a choice in the matter.
I would suggest that you go over to survivinginfidelity.com and post in the waywards board over there. Its a good community and there are some guys over there who work hard on healing themselves who have taken responsibility for their decisions. They will call you out if they think you are spouting bullshit. I think you are going to get a lot more support over there than on here. This sub is majorly for betrayed spouses and the pain is raw for many.
Hang in there.
Gloomy,
In a comment below you say that the OBS knows. Do you know this for a fact or do you know this because your wife told you so? Most times when its the cheating parnter who tells the BS they are coverving for the AP and trying to keep the OBS from telling the other OBS.
If the only confirmation you have from the OBS knowing is your wayward and AP, then you need to seek confirmaation from the sourse.
Ok... to your post, the finding out about the sex... etc...
Your wife is showing classic miniminzation tatics.... first it was kissing, now sex on the couch, but again since she is the source that info is suspect. I hate to throw doubt on what you have been told, but most of the time the full truth is buried under tons of minimization.
The term mistake also shows you her mindset. Affairs are series of decisions... she decided meet a guy on snap chat, she decided to invite him over, she decided to have sex with him. There isn't anything getting out of hand here this was pretty in her mind when she got together with the AP.
The marrige problems you had didn't cause the affair. This is called blameshifting. Nothing about your marriage made her have an affair. Again affairs happen because of terrible personal boundaires and decisions by both the Wayward and AP.
Your wife has a history of shitty personal boundaries and reaching out to other men for personal validation. The casues for this live inside her head.
Nothing you did or didn't do. Nothing you said, or didn't say. Nothing you thought or didn't think causeed this affair. You could have been the best husband in the world and because of how her mind works she still would have had the affair.
There are two books that I recommend for waywards to read. The first one is:
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. McDonald
https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
Linda McDonald has a list of 15 actions and attitudes which the wayward spouse must embrace in order to build a safe and secure enviornment for the betrayed to heal. I am going to list them for you.
Waywards who want to rebuild the marriage:
• are non defensive
• examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses
• accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners
• do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner
• show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done
• make amends and apologize to loved ones
• apologize often, especially the first two years
• listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain
• allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings
• resepect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering
• seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity
• keep no secrets
• do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair
• are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities
• frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing
• are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair
• are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair
• don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children
• commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and Internal (Spiritual) growth.
The last point includes the following:
- Individual counseling for the wayward so they can find out what is inside them that allowed them to rationalize the affair.
- Learning what constitutes safe boundaries in interpersonal relationship.
- Couples counseling once the wayward find's those whys and begins addressing them, and acceptance 100% of the affair is on the wayward (no blame shifting)
- If substance abuse is present then wayward must enter a recovery program in order to get the addiction under control.
Please note that the above points are my interpretation on the last point and come from my own journey in this process.
These points came out of her counseling practice and working with betrayed spouses and came up with these common things that are needed by the betrayed spouse to feel safe and secure. Please note this isn't a check list these are pretty much lifetime changes that the wayward needs to embrace.
Now, what I would want you to do is take these 15 points and ask yourself if your wayward did these things would you feel safer in the relationship?
Then go through the list and answer yes or no if your wayward is doing these things. In my opinion 97% of waywards simply want the betrayed to rug-sweep the affair and continue through life not talking about it or bringing it up. This is not a healthy way to deal with affairs.
Which brings me to the second book I recommend:
Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Dr. Shirley Glass PhD.
https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503
This book is probably the best book on infidelity healing that I have found. I warn you that it can be extreamly triggering. It goes through emotional affairs, physical affairs, talks about why boundaries are so important.
I know this is a lot to diget, but from what you are writing I am not getting a feeling that your wife is really doing any serious work no herself to ferret out what is inside her that caused the affair. I also think you guys are looking too much at external factors as the casue.
As I have said, you are not to blame for the affair. Waywards are masters at trying to hang the causes on anything and everything except themselves.
Hang in here, and keep posting.
Trusting again requires the wayward to do the hard work of building a enviornment of safety and security. Once safety there is this enviornment then the betrayed can begin to trust.
Trust is not commuicated to the betrayed via words. Infidelity empties words of almost all meaning. So what has to happen is the betrayed must show via actions that they are working on and continuing to be trustworthy.
Healing time for this is 2-5 years (yes years) and this is something that the wayward must do. It cannot be fixed by the betrayed partner. Its not a matter of moving on, its a matter of seeing major underlying changes in the wayward's behaviors and attitudes.
There are two books that I recommend that helped me out. The first is:
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. McDonald
https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
This book is a short 90 page read. For a fast reader it can be read in an evening. For a slow reader a weekend. In this book McDonald list 15 points that the wayward must do in order to build this enviornment of safety and security:
Waywards who want to rebuild the marriage:
• are non defensive
• examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses
• accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners
• do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner
• show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done
• make amends and apologize to loved ones
• apologize often, especially the first two years
• listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain
• allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings
• respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering
• seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity
• keep no secrets
• do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair
• are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities
• frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing
• are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair
• are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair
• don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children
• commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and Internal (Spiritual) growth
The last point includes these actions:
• Individual counseling for the wayward so they can find out what is inside them that allowed them to rationalize the affair.
• Learning what constitutes safe boundaries in interpersonal relationship.
• Couples counseling once the wayward finds those whys and begins addressing them, and acceptance 100% of the affair is on the wayward (no blame shifting)
• If substance abuse is present then wayward must enter a recovery program in order to get the addiction under control.
There is much more to recovery from infidelity than just being nicer to the betrayed. It requires a wholesale change in actions and attitudes.
​
Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Dr. Shirley Glass PhD.
https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503
I will warn you now that this book is very triggery. It comes with her writing style and the fact that she gives very concrete examples of wayward / affair behavior. These examples are from couples in her practice, they are not made up. Some examples are composites of more than one set of couples.
Since the descriptions are close to personal situations it makes it very hard to read for someone who is going thorugh the pain and suffering of infidelity.
Her infomration on healing is very solid and her book, in conjunction with How to help your spouse heal from your affair, can put you on the long road of healing from this. The only catch in this whole equation is that it requires a wayward that is willing to make those wholesale changes in their personality and their actions. This is the one thing that the betrayed partner doesn't have control over.
Unfortunally the probem is that many waywards are so self-centered and selfish that they will not accept the problem lies with them but will continue to blame shift the reasons for the affair on any other person, place, or thing so they don't have to come face to face with what they have done.
Look over the list of actions that I have given you. Check your wayward against them. Again its the actions which will tell you they are doing the right things. Not their words.
Your partner wants to rug sweep. She wants this to disappear and go away and not have to do any work to get there.
In order for reconcillation to happen the WS has to change.
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. McDonald
https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
PDF found here: https://www.scribd.com/doc/65498163/How-to-Help-11-06-10-Final-PDF
She lists 15 points of action and attitude that the wayward must embrace to build an environment where the betrayed feels safe and secure. Since the initial trust, safety and security are gone, these actions are needed in order to show the betrayed that the wayward partner is doing everything in their power to show they are willing to make you feel safe and secure. These 15 actions and attitudes are:
Waywards who want to rebuild the relationship after an affair
• are non defensive
• examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses
• accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners
• do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner
• show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done
• make amends and apologize to loved ones
• apologize often, especially the first two years
• listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain
• allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings
• respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering
• seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity
• keep no secrets
• do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair
• are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities
• frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing
• are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair
• are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair
• don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children
• commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and Internal (Spiritual) growth
The last point includes these actions: (I added these from my own experience)
• Individual counseling for the wayward so they can find out what is inside them that allowed them to rationalize the affair.
• Learning what constitutes safe boundaries in interpersonal relationship.
• Couples counseling once the wayward finds those whys and begins addressing them, and acceptance 100% of the affair is on the wayward (no blame shifting)
• If substance abuse is present then wayward must enter a recovery program in order to get the addiction under control.
Just feeling bad about what she did isn't enough, just getting emotional isn't enough, her rejecting what you need because its an Agenda shows you where her mind is. She isn't willing to listen to what you need. This shows that she isn't remorseful. Being remorseful means she is willing to do anything and everything in her power to fix what she did and make it better.
Finally when a wayward wants to separate most times its where they want to test drive the affair partner without the BS being in the way. Wayward spouses are steeped in selfishness and self-centeredness. This is the type of thinking she is showing you and it is NOT condusive to reconcillation of the relationship.
Here is a portion of How to Help your Spouse Heal from your Affair:
Successful Rebuilders understand that when they crossed the line into romance with an outside person, they deprived their spouses of an important “vote” on the matter. They realize they violated their spouses’ marital rights of exclusivity and privacy. To compensate for these violations, Successful Rebuilders respect the offended spouse’s choices on how to proceed post-affair.
Karen Johnson, a counselor in Maui, Hawaii, says to wounded spouses, “You get to.” In other words, the betrayer broke all the rules without permission, so now the spouse “gets to” choose the next move. Successful Rebuilders understand the vow-breaking nature of their transgressions and respect their partners’ rights to have choices of their own.
Right now you are allowing her to control the reconcillation, and that isn't up to her to do this. Its up to you to determine what you need.
Look at the 15 points that Linda McDonald lists. Is she doing any one of these?
I am sorry you are having to deal with this. I am a wayward and my wife and I are almost 5 years out in reconciliation.
After betrayal there is a shit ton of work that has to be done on the wayward's side of things. There is more to infidelity recovery than forgive, forget and move on.
You can't forget it. It will always be there, but over time the pain lessens. My wife triggers less, and has less times she deals with what I did than she did a few months after DDay.
You can't forgive what you don't know. Betrayal doesn't just blast apart that period of life from DDay on. It called into question the safety and security of the relationship. It also calls into question past circumstances in didn't add up before. Before when you still had the trust that had been invested at the beginning of the relationship you were able to just accept it. Now, you see them in a new perspective due to your partners showing you that they were capable of doing the unthinkable.
There is no moving on. I like to call it moving through. Moving through the betray is you being able to process what has happened by having your questions answered, events cleared up, and this is done in an environment where the wayward is non-defensive.
After infidelity is discovered 99.5% of the work falls on the wayward. Because the wayward's actions damaged the relationship; The wayward's actions are needed to repair it.
Watch out for blame shifting. This is where the wayward will use other people (including you), Places, and things for the cause of the affair.
Do not fall into the trap of letting the wayward do this. It can be subtle. Statements like this:
"I didn't feel loved" translates to "Because you didn't love me enough I had an affair"
"They hit on me" = Blame shifts on the AP. However the wayward still could have said no, or left the situation.
"I was drunk" = Because of the alcohol I cheated (Note I am in AA. I know Alcoholics who have never cheated on their spouse. They were able to keep that boundary even when drunk)
Also look out for minimizing which is trying to make circumstances look better:
"It was just once." - doesn't matter if it was one time or 100 times the trauma is usually the same.
"It was just an ONS" - Are you supposed to give it a pass cause it was a random stranger?
"It was only pictures" - Pictures of them, your partner, to someone unknown to you.
"It was only a kiss" - This one will usually leads to discovery that it was intercourse multiple times.
Understand that wayward first reaction is CYA mode and they will say anything and everything with the hope you will believe it and not dig deeper.
The best book of concrete actions which helped me is How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda McDonald.
Yourhttps://www.amazon.com/Help--Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
PDF found here: https://www.scribd.com/doc/65498163/How-to-Help-11-06-10-Final-PDF
She lists fifteen actions and attitudes which the wayward needs to embrace:
- are non defensive
- examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses
- accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners
- do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner
- show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done
- make amends and apologize to loved ones
- apologize often, especially the first two years
- listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain
- allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings
- respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering
- seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity
- keep no secrets
- do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair
- are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities
- frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing
- are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair
- are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair
- don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children
- commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and Internal (Spiritual) growth
These actions show the betrayed spouse that their safety and security is a priority. Your safety and security need to be maintained because that allows you to be able to heal.
Part of doing these was giving my wife full access to everything. All email accounts, social media account, passwords, access to my phone, my computer, and all my devices.
After DDay the relationship changes, the trust, safety, and security must be rebuilt and it will never be like it was before the affair.
One more book I found helpful was Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Dr. Shirley Glass PhD. I warn you that this book can trigger. She goes through how affairs start, and documents an affair which is a composite of several couples in her practice and takes examples and explains what is going on.
This book taught me the boundaries I needed to be able to interact with women. Before I was an open book and we would talk about everything, my feelings, my relationships, etc. Now I have learned that those topics are for my wife, my partner in life. By talking to other women about my relationship sends a signal that I am available. By not doing that I show that I am off limits.
Another reason I like this book is that it was one of the first books to deal with infidelity with therapies which were developed for people with PTSD. Infidelity is a trauma. Its effects on the brain can and do manifest the same symptoms that people who have been in major accidents, natural disasters, and even those who were exposed to horrific combat conditions.
She also talks about why it's important to talk about the affair with each other. Wayward's don't want to talk about it because they are afraid the BS will get angry or upset. When the wayward is willing to open up and talk about it shows vulnerability. Talking about the experiences, the feelings, and how it happened, and the work that is being done to make sure it doesn't happen again builds intimacy. Even after almost five years my wife have conversations about it. Not daily or weekly, but when it comes up we know it's ok to take about.
I am sorry you are here. This isn't an easy thing to go through.
Your partner wants to rug sweep. She wants this to disappear and go away and not have to do any work to get there.
In order for reconcillation to happen the WS has to change.
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. McDonald
https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
PDF found here: https://www.scribd.com/doc/65498163/How-to-Help-11-06-10-Final-PDF
She lists 15 points of action and attitude that the wayward must embrace to build an environment where the betrayed feels safe and secure. Since the initial trust, safety and security are gone, these actions are needed in order to show the betrayed that the wayward partner is doing everything in their power to show they are willing to make you feel safe and secure. These 15 actions and attitudes are:
Waywards who want to rebuild the relationship after an affair
• are non defensive
• examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses
• accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners
• do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner
• show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done
• make amends and apologize to loved ones
• apologize often, especially the first two years
• listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain
• allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings
• respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering
• seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity
• keep no secrets
• do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair
• are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities
• frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing
• are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair
• are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair
• don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children
• commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and Internal (Spiritual) growth
The last point includes these actions: (I added these from my own experience)
• Individual counseling for the wayward so they can find out what is inside them that allowed them to rationalize the affair.
• Learning what constitutes safe boundaries in interpersonal relationship.
• Couples counseling once the wayward finds those whys and begins addressing them, and acceptance 100% of the affair is on the wayward (no blame shifting)
• If substance abuse is present then wayward must enter a recovery program in order to get the addiction under control.
Just feeling bad about what she did isn't enough, just getting emotional isn't enough, her rejecting what you need because its an Agenda shows you where her mind is. She isn't willing to listen to what you need. This shows that she isn't remorseful. Being remorseful means she is willing to do anything and everything in her power to fix what she did and make it better.
Finally when a wayward wants to separate most times its where they want to test drive the affair partner without the BS being in the way. Wayward spouses are steeped in selfishness and self-centeredness. This is the type of thinking she is showing you and it is NOT condusive to reconcillation of the relationship.
Here is a portion of How to Help your Spouse Heal from your Affair:
Successful Rebuilders understand that when they crossed the line into romance with an outside person, they deprived their spouses of an important “vote” on the matter. They realize they violated their spouses’ marital rights of exclusivity and privacy. To compensate for these violations, Successful Rebuilders respect the offended spouse’s choices on how to proceed post-affair.
Karen Johnson, a counselor in Maui, Hawaii, says to wounded spouses, “You get to.” In other words, the betrayer broke all the rules without permission, so now the spouse “gets to” choose the next move. Successful Rebuilders understand the vow-breaking nature of their transgressions and respect their partners’ rights to have choices of their own.
Right now you are allowing her to control the reconcillation, and that isn't up to her to do this. Its up to you to determine what you need.
Look at the 15 points that Linda McDonald lists. Is she doing any one of these?
First,
Infidelity is NOT a mistake. It is a series of deliberate choices. I am saying this as a person who was the cheater in my marriage. For him to say this shows how little he understands what the effects of infidelity are to the betrayed.
In order to reconcile, he need come to grips with what we call the "Whys" and find the reasons within himself on why he did this, and figure out what is in his head that allowed him to rationalize this was, in any way, an acceptable choice for him to make.
There are two books that I recommend, both waywards and betrayeds to read. The reason for this is that he needs to know what he is going to have to do in order to work it out with you. Second, you need to know what the books say so that you can have an idea of what you are going through and the reasons for him to be doing these things.
This is NOT an easy road. My wife and I just entered our 4th year of reconciliation and there are good days, and there are still bad days. Healing timeline for infidelity is counted in years and most estimates put it at 2-5 years, but my own observations make me think it's closer to 3-5 years.
There are also some legal issues to consider. His ex can sue and win child support from him. If you do not have a support agreement with him then I highly suggest that you consult a lawyer. If she takes him to court, and gets it, this means in the future that if something happens and the relationship ends, that any child support you will get will be factored into his salary less the current child support payment. I am not a lawyer nor do I play one on TV, but I have been around infidelity boards long enough to know that the first one to get a child support award from the courts will have the larger share of the money.
I am sorry that you are here, your wayward, through no fault of your own, has put you in a world of pain and an emotional roller coaster. You didn't cause this. Nothing you did caused him to do this. Waywards will try to push the blame on anything AND everything but themselves for the infidelity. He chose to do this and its not your fault.
ETA: The books I left out
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. McDonald
r/https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Dr. Shirley Glass PhD.
r/https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503
Hey there, I am sorry that you are having to deal with this. I am a wayward and my wife and I in reconciliation for the last 5 years.
First, I love you but I am not in love with you is almost standard across the board, when this is said they have developed feelings for another person. Right now her head is filled with endorphins like dopamine which gives the heady first love feelings.
Wayward spouses love to minimize, and the biggest one you will hear is that it was just a kiss. 99.95% of the time when you investigate closer you will find that they have already had sex.
When a wayward moves out on their own or says they need to have space and leaves the home it means they want to test drive this new relationship. Most likely she is seeing this co-worker and dating him.
So my advice from my side of things is that you have to stop playing the pick-me dance. This is where you try to be a better spouse by trying to win the wayward back. This only serves to give the wayward more control over the situation because they can use it to manipulate the situation. Right now she is doing what we call Cake Eating this is where she has the two of you fighting over her and trying to woo her. Also, do not fall into the trap of becoming plan B which means because she is testing out this new relationship that she can cut and run back to you if need be.
I am not trying to be harsh, but the truth is your wife is deeply involved in another relationship with someone else and at the base of things shows that she is selfish, self-centered and believes she is entitled to what she is doing. She is confused because she is dealing with conflicting emotions but her entitlement won't let her give up either one of them.
You can't and won't win against the AP because the relationship is fantasy. Realize that they are in a bubble where the realities of the real world don't have any effect on them. So what are you to do?
The biggest thing that you can do is cut her bridges back to safety. This will hurt you, and it will hurt like a motherfucker because you do love her. But by doing this you are showing her strength and pulling the advantage away from her by stopping the pick me dance.
I am neither pro-divorce nor am I pro-reconciliation. I am pro-get-the-hell-out-of-infidelity. Mind you I do understand that you want to reconcile since you are on this sub. The fact is that you can't reconcile a marriage with only one partner doing the work.
First, call a few divorce lawyers. I am not saying you are divorcing, but you need to get armed with the facts of what divorce will look like if it happens. Knowledge is power without it you are foundering wondering what is going on.
Pull 1/2 of all shared assets to private accounts this includes savings, checking, etc. Have your check deposited into this account.
Cancel all shared credit cards. Anything that she spends right now is marital assets. She could go on a spending binge and rack up 100k of debt and you would be on the hook for 1/2 of that. I know it sounds like we are nuking everything. In a way we are, but the reason is to make her realize that fantasy is not real. Once she realizes that you aren't going to pay for her affair it gets harder. Once her credit cards go dead (if she has her own let her use them. that debt is in her name and you shouldn't be responsible for that. (again make sure you talk to a lawyer.)
Have divorce papers drawn up, make them fair but lean more toward i.e. give yourself an edge since you are the one filing them. AGAIN you are saying WTF I thought you said that we weren't divorcing. I am, but the truth of the matter is that there needs to be a large kick in her ass to dislodge her head from it. Just because divorce papers are filed doesn't mean you are getting a divorce, it means you have asked the courts for one. They do not read them and hit the gavel and say DONE. It doesn't work this way.
Here is where this gets real. You have her served papers at work. This will insert the dirty secret of the workplace affair into where it happened. If your wife's AP is her supervisor then you can go to the company and make a noise because the supervisor/employee relationships are unequal usually represent sexual harassment. Also, the relationship may be banned in the employee handbook.
Next find out if AP is married, in a relationship or single, if married or in a relationship then expose the affair to his wife or SO. This will bring on heat back at the AP's house and it means that AP will have to deal with the fallout over there. Many times an AP will throw the WS under the bus when the relationship is discovered because the AP will be looking at financial fall out of their own.
Remember that divorce is a process and it can be sped up and slowed down during the process. If your WS pulls her head out of her ass, come clean about what really has happened, gives you a full timeline of the affair, and starts doing the right actions and attitudes that show you that she is working toward making your relationship with her safe and secure i.e. no male friends, no girls nights out, give up all account names and passwords so that you have a window into if the affair is over or not, going through facebook and defriending people who cheered her on in the affair or other social media.
Again, I am not telling you to divorce, but what I am telling you to take control and remove any and all control from this situation her. All that I have posted above are steps that inject reality into her little fantasy world. They make her have to face consequences for her actions.
Two books that I want to recommend. The first is a short one
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. McDonald
https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
PDF found here: https://www.scribd.com/doc/65498163/How-to-Help-11-06-10-Final-PDF
Read this. This book is NOT for you, It's the beginning of what your wife will need to do in order to bring safety and security back into your marriage. Read it so you know what she needs to do and that you have knowledge of what she is supposed to be doing. Many times wayward spouses will try to procrastinate seeing if the BS is really serious about all of this. Hoping that you will give in and just let things slide and rug-sweep the affair.
So why am I gung ho on the blitzkrieg here? My wife made it very clear with a line in the sand which I knew she wasn't going to broker any more bullshit from me. It was also after I agreed to give her full disclosure and take a lie detector test so that she could have some foundation that there was a chance I had finally told her the truth.
Like I have said we are over five years in reconciliation. We continue to talk about the affair when it comes up and the topic doesn't come up very often anymore. I continue to do all the things that I promised her that I would do, and she still has full access to all my electronics. Does this bother me? No. I do these things because I want to do them. I think it has been over 3 years since she last checked my accounts. Because I am proving to her each and every day that I am working on being trust worthy.
I know I have given you a lot to think about. The paths of reconciliation and divorce run parallel to each other until they diverge from each other. Either the wayward pulls their heads out of their ass and reconciles or they play the wayward games and you continue on getting out of infidelity.
Again I am sorry your wife has placed you in this situation. None of this is your fault. It's 100% on her for the affair.
I am sorry that you found yourself here. I am going to give you some advice from the other side of the fence. I know you are in shock, and I know that my words may be unwelcome since I was the one who cheated in my marriage.
You are very early into discovery. Most times when the affair is found out the wayward will minimize the truth. Part of this is guild and shame, another part of this is ego. Your post has a lot of your wife's minimizations that she told you:
1) You didn't give her the butterflies. Love is not a feeling, it is a decision. Many people think when the excitement and flutters go away it isn't love. Early love feelings are caused by chemicals in the brain called endorphins and these chemicals mirror the actions of opiates on the brain. The secrecy of the affair mixed with these chemicals supercharged the mental environment. But in the end all affairs are build on lies, secrets, and fantasy. There is no reality to them. They are a total and false construct, because there is no real world in what is known as the Affair Bubble.
2) The AP was the culprit. Affairs take the consent of two people. Each person involved in an affair makes a series of decisions that brings them to the final decision where they actually cross the line into a physical affair. Affairs are rarely happen spontaneously.
3) It was a stupid mistake. No it was not a mistake, as I have said above there is a series of decisions which at any point each participant can decide differently. A mistake is like accidently picking up cilantro instead of parsley or 1% milk vs Whole milk. Again, the decision process to have an affair precludes a mistake.
It is way too early for you to even begin to think about forgiveness. The problem is the normal world sees infidelity differently than those who have been through this. To normal people they think it's something you just decide to get over, those are the people who have never had this happen to them. Betrayed spouses know this isn't something you just don't get over. There is a small percentage of wayward spouses who due to working on themselves know how true this is.
Gently, and I want to make sure you understand that I am reaching out to you because you are hurting, there is nothing easy about healing from infidelity. It is hard, and it will require a lot of strength from you, but even more strength on your wife's part. You see, I have been around infidelity boards for over four years now. At first I was there to try to figure out what was going on with me, and later I hung around to help others, both betrayed spouses, and wayward spouses to navigate this whole shitstorm.
First, the healing timeline for infidelity is 3-5 years. A lot of literature puts the minimum at 2, but in my observation the minimum is 3.-3.5 years. My wife and I are just about at 4 years in reconciliation. This timeline is based on how truthful your wife is with you about the timeline of the affair. An example would be if she told you it started 2 months ago, and later you found out that it really started 6 months ago. This discrepancy between the time she tells you and the truth is a shock to you, the betrayed because the trauma of infidelity is rooted in not only the sex, but the utter devastation of the truth, and the reality which the relationship was based in.
So anything that she has told you that turns out to be minimized or an outright lie, will tend to reset the betrayed. Depending on the immensity of those lies, the reset could be rolled back to the point of when you first found out the truth. The sad fact is 99.9999 percent of wayward spouses do not divulge the entire truth about the affairs and details. Your brain, will take those details and will process them, and work to fit them into the history you thought you knew, and the information you have found out. This is a long process. This is because that infidelity causes a trauma wound. This trauma can be as deep as the traumas that have been caused by service in the armed forces. Newer research has shown that those who have been through infidelity react better to treatments that are based on healing from PTSD trauma.
Recovery from an affair relies on the wayward's ability to fashion a new relationship with the betrayed which is based in their conscientious efforts to make the relationship one where your safety and your security is the most important thing. In order for you to heal and process this you will need the truth. This is why lies and minimizations do not work in affair healing.
I am going to give you a couple of resources which I believe are the two best ones to start with. The first book is what I call the Wayward's Primer.
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. McDonald
r/https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
I am going to give you Mcdonald’s list of 15 actions that a wayward spouse should be doing to help the betrayed feel safe in the relationship.
Waywards who want to rebuild the marriage:
• are non defensive
• examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses
• accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners
• do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner
• show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done
• make amends and apologize to loved ones
• apologize often, especially the first two years
• listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain
• allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings
• respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering
• seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity
• keep no secrets
• do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair
• are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities
• frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing
• are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair
• are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair
• don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children
• commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and spiritual growth
This book is 90 pages long, and it can be read in an evening by someone who reads quickly. For someone who is a slower reader it takes a weekend. if the wayward says its too hard to read, or takes too long to read it then it is showing you they think they don’t need to do much to help you heal. They need to understand that this work requires a shit ton of work on their part and they need to act. Promises don’t make it in this game.
Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Dr. Shirley Glass PhD.
r/https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503
This book is a much longer and deeper book, but it really digs into what the wayward needs to do in order to help you figure out what has happened. It talks about how actually speaking about the affair helps build trust. It talks about how the details of the affair help you piece together the missing history that you don’t have in your head. It talks about boundaries and how boundaries play a part in the beginning of the affair. While it can be hard to read by a betrayed spouse, the information contained is so good that It should be read.
Look, I know I gave you a shit ton to look over. The only thing I want is for you not to be put through what my wife went through the first 7 months we were trying to heal from this. My advice comes from the fact that I lied, minimized, and because of that I almost lost my marriage. This is why I post here, so that you can find what you are looking at, and that you realize that in the very beginning all waywards try to skirt the truth, and it will hurt you if she does this and you find out later.
Hang in there. Again, I am so sorry that this happened to you.
I am really sorry that you are dealing with the fallout of infidelity. It is one of the hardest things that you will have to endure in your life. I am a wayward in my marraige, so my comments are given from what I have learned in my marraige reconcillation which has been going on for almost 5 years.
Early on after dday I would emotinally melt down due to the shame and and guilt crying about all the destruction I had done to the marriage, How I can't seem to do anything right, How I didn't deserve to be married to my wife, etc. My therapist called this shame spiraling.
While there is pain on both sides of the equation. Since the WS has a full picture of the affair in their mind i.e. a beginning, a middle, and the end, and they were the active participant in the infidelity this means that the emotional impact of the affair is less devastating on the WS than the BS. Now I am not discounting that there is pain, it is just that the impact of the infidelity is of a lower order than that of the BS. In terms of lets say an earthquake the WS feels it at a 5.5 where as the BS feels the same event as a 8.0 to 9+
My therapist gently but firmly pointed out that many times shame spiraling is more of putitng on a "show" of remorse for the betrayed spouse. It becomes a "look at me and how sad/guilty/broken I feel about what I have done. It is also a way of pulling the spotlight off the BS and back to the WS. While it may not be something that is conscious to the WS, it may be an unconscious reaction to lessen the impact of the BS trigger toward the WS.
The aftermath of the infidelity for the BS is the loss of trust, safety, and security in the relationship. The WS becomes the primary healer of the relationship but this is via actions showing that the WS has opened themselves via transparancy, honesty, and accountability. The best list of those actions I have found has been in:
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. McDonald
https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
PDF found here: https://www.scribd.com/doc/65498163/How-to-Help-11-06-10-Final-PDF
A wayward who wants to save the relationship:
• are non defensive
• examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses
• accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners
• do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner
• show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done
• make amends and apologize to loved ones
• apologize often, especially the first two years
• listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain
• allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings
• respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering
• seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity
• keep no secrets
• do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair
• are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities
• frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing
• are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair
• are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair
• don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children
• commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and Internal (spiritual) growth
I know that every case is different. Again I am not trying to downplay the pain that the WS goes through, but I know from my own experiences and talking about the affair and the after effects on my wife, that I will never truly understand the true depth of the pain she suffered by my actions. I do know that she needed me to be active and do everything she needed me to do in order for her to begin healing. One of those things was channel my pain, guilt, sorrow, and remorse into actions rather than breakdowns.
Wayward here... Sorry for you having to deal with this. When someone gets into an affair they start to mirror the interests of the affair partner.
You are not overreacting. So I am going to go out on a limb here and let you know one of the shitty things I did. I purchased 3 coffee cups two of them at home for my wife and I and one to an emotional affair partner.
When my wife found out that this, she took them outside and she smashed them with a hammer. What I did by doing this was to bring a portion of the OW into our space. This wasn't unconsious, this was a decision I made.
Just in the same way your husband decided to buy a hat that matched the OW, and give you one that was similiar.
I don't know if you or your husband have read
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. McDonald
https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
She has 15 points of action and attitude that the wayward (cheater) needs to embrace to help you heal.
One of these points is:
Waywards who want to heal the realtionship are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair.
Your husband's remark about you overreacting voilates her first point:
Waywards who want to heal the realtionship are non defensive.
Here is one of the things that stuck out to me when I read her book:
Successful Rebuilders understand that when they crossed the line into romance with an outside person, they deprived their spouses of an important “vote” on the matter. They realize they violated their spouses’ marital rights of exclusivity and privacy. To compensate for these violations, Successful Rebuilders respect the offended spouse’s choices on how to proceed post-affair.
Karen Johnson, a counselor in Maui, Hawaii, says to wounded spouses, “You get to.” In other words, the betrayer broke all the rules without permission, so now the spouse “gets to” choose the next moves. Successful Rebuilders understand the vow-breaking nature of their transgressions and respect their partners’ rights to have choices of their own.
How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair - p29-30
You are incharge of reconcillation, he isn't. He doesn't get to tell you that you are overeacting. What he gets to do is to listen to you and understand WHY you feel this way and then he needs to get rid of those hurtful reminders.
ETA: If he is angry at you for the hats triggering you then there is something deeper here. I would venture to say that you aren't in reconcillation because reconcialltion also requires the wayward to give you a lot of room for you to express your feelings. As I have said, you are in charge of reconcillation, he isn't. Getting angry at you for this is bullshit.
I am sorry that you are going through this. I am going give you a couple of resources. These are books that really helped me pull my head out of my rear end.
The first book is How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda McDonald. This is a short 90 page book that explains 15 actions and attitudes that the WS must embrace to allow you, the BS, to be able to heal.
https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
Waywards who want to rebuild the relationship after an affair
• are non defensive
• examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses
• accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners
• do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner
• show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done
• make amends and apologize to loved ones
• apologize often, especially the first two years
• listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain
• allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings
• respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering
• seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity
• keep no secrets
• do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair
• are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities
• frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing
• are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair
• are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair
• don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children
• commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and Internal (Spiritual) growth
The last point includes these actions: (I added these from my own experience)
• Individual counseling for the wayward so they can find out what is inside them that allowed them to rationalize the affair.
• Learning what constitutes safe boundaries in interpersonal relationship.
• Couples counseling once the wayward finds those whys and begins addressing them, and acceptance 100% of the affair is on the wayward (no blame shifting)
• If substance abuse is present then wayward must enter a recovery program in order to get the addiction under control.
The second book is Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Dr. Shirley Glass PhD. This is a longer book and is a deep dive into affairs and how they start and what is present in the wayward and the AP that allows them to break these boundaries. I have to warn you that this book is majorly triggery because of how she writes about the affair. She uses a fictional couple but the examples are built from composite stories from couples who when through her practice. So the examples are from real life.
https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503
I continue to read these books and use them to help fashion my posts to help both wayward and betrayed spouses see what is needed for healing.
There are people who heal from this who go on to have good relationships, who don't rug sweep the affair. However it takes a lot of work on the part of the wayward. I have posted in the past that 99.9% of the work of recovering from an affair is on the shoulder's of the wayward partner. Since they were the ones who stepped outside the bounds of the relationship and took it upon themselves to lie to their partners/spouses.
Sorry you found yourself here. This isn't the kind of reddit that users want to look for.
There are a couple of things here. He has a history of cheating. No matter what he says his actions in the past speak louder than him saying that he has changed. Problem with change is that you can't see it very well. It's one thing to say you are changing it's a completely different thing to actually make the changes.
So here is a book suggestion for you soon to be spouse:
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. McDonald
https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
I highly suggest you read it so that you have an understanding of what he is supposed to be doing. The author has a list of 15 things that the person who has destroyed the relationship needs to be doing:
Waywards who want to rebuild the relationship:
• are non defensive
• examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their partners
• accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners
• do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner
• show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done
• make amends and apologize to loved ones
• apologize often, especially the first two years
• listen with patience and validate their partner’s pain
• allow their partners a lot of room to express their feelings
• respect the betrayed partner’s timetable for recovering
• seek to assure the partner of their love and commitment to fidelity
• keep no secrets
• do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair
• are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities
• frequently check in with partners as to how they are doing
• are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair
• are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair
• don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children
• commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and inner growth
Please notice that these are things that he will need to do. If you read the list over you will notice that there are no points that are asked of the betrayed. You know why? Because affairs are selfish, self-centered things that are done by selfish and self-centered people. The reason also is that you don't get to or have to own any blame for the affairs.
Nothing you did made him have an affair. Nothing you said didn't make him have an affair. Nothing you thought made him have an affair. He had the affairs because he made a series of choices that ultimately brought him into an outside relationship.
I would highly suggest that you don't marry this man. He isn't a safe partner at this point.
The first thing you must understand and take to heart is that a wayward is selfish and self-centered.
These two traits do not lend themselves to reconciliation. The problem is that the wayward wants to reconcile, but they want to do it in a way where they don't want to have to put in the hard work.
My wife made it clear that she wasn't going to put up with me dragging my feet and I had 2 years to show progress or else she was gone.
As a wayward, Linda McDonald's book helped me out because it gave me a good starting point on actions that I needed to do in order to help my wife heal. Her list is but a starting point and her book goes into why each of these points is necessary.
Its a short book about 90 pages.
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/145055332X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_qagUybCZE9ZZT
The second book that helped me was this one:
Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0743225503/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_XagUybMQYXFG2
Here is the list of things that the wayward must do from Linda McDonald's book.
Successful Rebuilders:
• are non defensive
• examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses
• accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners
• do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner
• show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done
• make amends and apologize to loved ones
• apologize often, especially the first two years
• listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain
• allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings
• respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering
• seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity
• keep no secrets
• do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair
• are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities
• frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing
• are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair
• are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair
• don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children
• commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and spiritual growth
Most waywards and I include myself here, never truly understand the trauma that is experienced by the betrayed. While we can gain empathy, read accounts, we just can't feel what you feel when you are betrayed. I wish there was some type of mind meld available that would allow a wayward to actually experience the feelings, the panic, the hopeless feelings, the feeling lost, the nagging sensation that the world is off and you can't seem to get it back into sync.
You don't list a dday in your post, so I don't know how far out you are. If you have started Marriage Counseling this is a safe environment to bring up what you need from her to do.
Other things that the wayward needs to do are:
Full transparency - full access to all electronics, phone, tablets. All access to any and all email accounts, passwords, etc. Twitter, Facebook, mySpace, google+.
Complete Honesty - No more lies
Complete accountability - No deleting web browsing history, voicemail messages, Texts, iMessages, emails.
Complete timeline of the affiar, including times, dates, hotels, approx times of sex.
(this can come in 2 flavors, PG or X. but you get to decide if you read the PG or Both)
Gently, there is something you need to do. You need to figure out what the consequences are going to be if she doesn't follow through. For me I knew I had a 2 year limit. She was willing to put up with my shit for that long.
You need to figure out what the lines are and if she crosses them then you have to implement them.
For example there are several lines that I have as a wayward -
I cannot have another physical or emotional affair - this is a deal breaker, it means she files divorce.
I cannot go back to active drinking again - This is more nebulous. As an Alcoholic, she realizes that I might slip, and then realizing that I have done that get back to AA meetings and work to fixing what I need to fix in order to straighten myself out. However if I were to full on relapse and binge drink to blackout again and continue it, then it would be grounds for her to leave me.
One of the lines I implemented myself. I work in IT and have to create many email address, and accounts. I also own my own business and need to setup different accounts for that. Each account that I setup for my business, I email her the name and password. I have been doing this for four years. I had to set an online servicer up a couple of months ago, and I set it up and I emailed her the info and she said she didn't want it, that she didn't think she needed it. My response was that I would rather she have the information rather than me just not giving it to her. For me, I felt it was more honest to tell her and send the creds so if at any time she felt the need to check that she had those tools at her finger tips.
Figure out what you need from her, if the book How to help your spouse will help, tell her to buy it and read it. Give her a timeframe. Tell her that you have an internal timeframe on her actions, and that if its not met the marriage is over. Don't tell her what that time frame is. In my case my wife did tell me, however I can see how keeping it to yourself is another test of just how committed they are.
Anyhow... I am sorry you are here. Dealing with this isn't fun, and the only person the wayward can blame for all this is themselves. However they usually don't want to believe that.
Affairs have nothing to do with the satisfaction of the current relationship. Happily married couples are not immune to infidelity.
I’m going to be harsh. I’m the wayward in my relationship and almost 5 years into reconciliation. This is 100% on you. Your BP isn’t responsible for helping you with your issues. So leaning on her post discovery is disingenuous. The amount of work required by the wayward partner is huge.
You need a therapist who can help you sort out the deep issues inside you that allowed you to make the decision to betray your GF. Ego stokes are a surface issue. You need to dig into the idea of WHY you need these ego kibbles. It goes deeper than self esteem issues it goes to the roots of the cause of these self esteem issues.
Here are the two basic books I suggest.
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. McDonald https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
PDF found here: https://www.scribd.com/doc/65498163/How-to-Help-11-06-10-Final-PDF
Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Dr. Shirley Glass PhD. https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503
The top one is sort 90 pages. It gives you the actions you need to be doings and some information on why.
The second book goes deeper into how affairs begin. Spoiler alert �� it’s you. One of the red flags is the description of the relationship with the girl you kissed. Your boundaries you exhibit with this woman show that you have none which is what lead her to forming an emotional attachment. You simply being alone with her while your partner was out of town and the fact you kept the relationship secret show that you were forming an attachment yourself.
Look I understand. I used to be the one who would be the shoulder to cry on. It is a subtly powerful feeling, but leads to emotional entanglements. Now I am not that guy. I don’t talk to other women about their relationships because it’s NOT my job. My job is keeping my relationship secure.
Find a therapist to work through your issues. One who isn’t going to settle for the surface ones.
My guess is that if you look at your history you will find that this isn’t the first woman that you have gotten emotionally entangled with. This may be the first that broke the physical barrier, but my guess is that you have broken the emotional barriers more than this single time.
He is blame shifting all this on you.
There is a short 90 page book that I encourage waywards to use in order to help heal the relationship, but I also encourage betrayed spouses to read it so they can see the actions and attitudes that are needed for true reconciliation and healing of the relationship.
This book is: How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. McDonald
https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
In this book she lists 15 points of action that a wayward must do in order to create an environment of safety and security in the relationship. These changes in attitude and actions then allow you, as a betrayed, to begin to heal because you have a safe space.
Waywards who want to rebuild the marriage:
• are non defensive
• examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses
• accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners
• do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner
• show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done
• make amends and apologize to loved ones
• apologize often, especially the first two years
• listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain
• allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings
• respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering
• seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity
• keep no secrets
• do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair
• are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities
• frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing
• are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair
• are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair
• don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children
• commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and Internal (Spiritual) growth
The last point includes these actions:
- Individual counseling for the wayward so they can find out what is inside them that allowed them to rationalize the affair.
- Learning what constitutes safe boundaries in interpersonal relationship.
- Couples counseling once the wayward finds those whys and begins addressing them, and acceptance 100% of the affair is on the wayward (no blame shifting)
- If substance abuse is present then wayward must enter a recovery program in order to get the addiction under control.
I have highlighted the ones that were flagged by me in your description of what you are going through. Healing from this is hard, and its really hard when the wayward keeps blaming outside things for his actions. He must own the affair 100% in order for you both to heal.
MC focuses on relationship issues and many times MC and couple's counselors are not really prepared to help couples though infidelity because their training focuses on the wrong thing.
Now you are discovering he is keeping back secrets and hidden information like this reopens the wounds and sets back the healing time table.
I am sorry that you are here, too.
Please understand this, and repeat this over and over Nothing you did or didn't do caused this.
Waywards are amazing at trying to pin the blame on everyone but themselves for the affair. Remember your actions can't make someone do something. Your husband may have latched on to them as an EXCUSE to have the affair, but they are just that an excuse to justify what he chose to do.
You were in the exact same relationship and yet you stayed faithful.
Infidelity healing is a 2-5 year journey, and realize that this requires him to do all the right things. As you have found out, trickle truth is amazingly painful and is like ripping open the wounds again.
In the first year, his actions will speak louder than any words he says. So watch what he does and see if it matches up to what he is saying.
Now on the Catholic front. Don't be disappointed if the penance doesn't seem to measure up to the gravity of the sin that he confesses. I am telling you this because I have been there. Priest's are rarely given very much schooling in interpersonal relationships and usually only get basic counseling training in seminary. The same way with protestant pastors.
While confession is the start to the reconciliation of the relationship between him and God, I think that after that he needs to get his ass into Individual Counseling. I would also suggest that you interview the IC to make sure they understand the gravity of what infidelity does to the betrayed spouse. Find someone who will not allow him to pin his infidelity on your actions. The reason is that your actions had nothing to do with his poor choices. Yes you guys had marriage problems. He made the choice to break the bounds of the marriage vow.
Right now you are dealing with shock. You are dealing with trying to put together what happened. You have the memory of the relationship as it was before dday. Now after dday you have to take what you know now and fit this back into what you thought was the real history. Your brain has to go over things over and over and will try to reconcile it. It will latch on to things that don't make sense, and you will question this over and over and over. This is normal. Your brain has to do this because you are looking for the truth.
I have 2 suggestions of books for your husband:
1) How to help your Spouse Heal from Your Affair - Linda J. McDonald
https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
This is the basic grade school primer of what he should be doing. Its 90 pages and large writing so he should be able to get through it in a day. I actually refer back to it from time to time to check myself.
2) Not just Friends - Dr. Shirley Glass PhD
https://www.amazon.com/NOT-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering-ebook/dp/B00120955S
I warn you that this book is massively triggery for the betrayed but the information inside will help a wayward who wants to do the work to help him do the hard work of being safe. Her information on boundaries was really eye opening for me.
Finally I am going to post Linda McDonald's 15 points that a successful rebuilder needs to embrace.
Waywards who want to rebuild the marriage:
• are non defensive
• examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses
• accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners
• do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner
• show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done
• make amends and apologize to loved ones
• apologize often, especially the first two years
• listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain
• allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings
• respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering
• seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity
• keep no secrets
• do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair
• are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities
• frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing
• are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair
• are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair
• don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children
• commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and spiritual growth
I am sorry that you are dealing with this shit storm. It is a very difficult path. I am the wayward in my relationship. My wife and I are coming up on 5 years of reconcillation. My comments mirror what I have learned during my wife and I working to reconcile.
You are on the emotional roller coaster. Infidelity isn't something you just get up and dust yourself off from and then get better. It takes a great deal of processing.
Here is the reason. When infidelity is discovered it effectively deals a blow on an mental, physical, and emotional levels.
You lose the innocent trust that was invested at the beginning of the relationship, you lose your security and safety in your partner.
You also now have found out because of the partners decision to have a secret life your past that you remember with your partner now has holes in it. This is why you are asking for details, and why the you keep asking questions over and over because you are trying to process and merge these two seperate realities into a single whole.
As you have found out your parnter's words don't mean much anymore. Your partner can tell you that he is going to get gas for the car and your mind will wonder if he is really doing that or is he going out to meet someone.
Recovery from infidelity requires a huge amount of work on the part of the wayward since they blew up the relationship. This work is focused on building a new relationship where your security and safety is of key importance. These actions then give meanings to the wayward's words.
As another commentator said the process is 2-5 years and takes a lot of patience on your part and even more patience on the part of the wayward.
I would recommend that your WS read this book, it is short and gets to the heart of the actions they need to embrace in order to help you get to a point where you can heal.
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. McDonald
https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
PDF found here: https://www.scribd.com/doc/65498163/How-to-Help-11-06-10-Final-PDF
It's very kind of you to say that, but I will say that it is very very hard still to be optimistic. It's a lot of pain, trauma, and anxiety to go through for what is an unmarried no kids situation. I would tell my sister or friends going through this to just get out because it isn't worth it. BUT, I know in my heart I have never stopped loving that man, and I have known since I first started dating him that he was going to be 'it' for me.
As for boundaries, I completely know what you mean! He has been very good about being remorseful (without first getting a little defensive) and seeing how his behavior is not okay. We have discussed at length what is crossing the line, what is too close to the line, and what is okay in a friendship with the opposite sex. They were things that are very innate for me but not for him. He is working extra hard and being open with his female friends.
I worry a lot that it may happen again - especially when there's going to be stressful parts of our lives that will make anyone want to escape: kids, mortgages, higher stress jobs, etc. I worry about how he doesn't do readings/listen to audiobooks/watch videos as I do. But when I go through the 15 things WSOs need to do, he hits every one of them. So as long as he is consistent (not perfect), it is easier for me to see a stable future.
And what I have also realized (after many many times telling it to myself)... Even alone, I would be going through this pain no matter what. I will have to learn how to live with it, learn how to forgive, and learn what trust looks like in this post-infidelity world I now live in. I could still be betrayed again by another partner. My WSO would still have to learn empathy, remorse, and how to grapple with himself even if we weren't together. He could still betray another person in the future. BUT, why not do it together? We know what we want in each other, so it's taking that leap again.
Honestly there are no little things. They are all big things. Please understand that when your BS found out about your betrayal it was like a torpedo blowing a hole under the waterline of a ship. Almost instantly any safety, security, and trust she had in you were pretty much gone. After discovery you need to be focusing on actions to show her that you are trying to build an environment of safety and security.
First buy this book How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda McDonald. Its available from Amazon at this link https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X.
It's a short read, 90 pages and larger type. A fast reader can get through it in an evening, and a slow reader can get through it in a weekend. McDonald gives 15 actions and attitudes that the wayward must embrace in order to help heal their spouse.
Waywards who want to rebuild the relationship after an affair
• are non defensive
• examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses
• accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners
• do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner
• show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done
• make amends and apologize to loved ones
• apologize often, especially the first two years
• listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain
• allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings
• respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering
• seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity
• keep no secrets
• do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair
• are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities
• frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing
• are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair
• are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair
• don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children
• commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and Internal (Spiritual) growth
The last point includes these actions: (I added these from my own experience)
• Individual counseling for the wayward so they can find out what is inside them that allowed them to rationalize the affair.
• Learning what constitutes safe boundaries in interpersonal relationship.
• Couples counseling once the wayward finds those whys and begins addressing them, and acceptance 100% of the affair is on the wayward (no blame shifting)
• If substance abuse is present then wayward must enter a recovery program in order to get the addiction under control.
McDonald's book is based on a longer more detailed book Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Dr. Shirley Glass PhD. which can be bought at amazon here https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503
Glass goes into detail about how affairs form both emotional and physical, and the reasons for this. She shows the wayward what strong interpersonal boundaries are and why you never talk about your relationship with a person of the opposite sex (or same sex if you are attracted to that)
Glass also goes into the reasons why you need to talk about the affair and give the details of the affair when the betrayed asks for them.
Glass was one of the first Therapists who observed that the symptoms of PTSD also affected those who were betrayed by infidelity.
Please know that your partner isn't going to get over this in a few days, a few weeks or a few months. The healing timeline for infidelity ranges from 2-5 years. I don't want to put too much pressure on you but that timeline relies on just how honest, open, and transparent you become.
As a wayward myself, I urge you to find an IC who specializes in infidelity and understands the trauma that it inflicts. Unfortunately therapists run the gamut from criminally negligent to freaking awesome. You need to understand what inside you allowed you to make the decisions to cheat. We call these the deep why's. These are the things inside you make you feel the need to fill a void inside of you with other people, sex, etc. The whys aren't the reason you had the affair, the only thing you get to blame the affair on is yourself and your decisions. But those deep whys help you find out what you were trying to make up inside you.
The final thing that I would like to tell you is stop trying to place blame for the affair on anything outside yourself. You made the choice to cheat. the AP didn't hold a gun to your head and make you do it. Neither did your spouse or partner make you have an affair. I spent the first 6 months or so after dday trying to pin the blame on anything and everything besides myself.
Get the books, and treat them like text books. You need to come completely clean with your partner/spouse. You need to open up everything to them: Phone, computer, all social media accounts, email accounts passwords, cell phone account. You have to become an open book.
The work entailed in doing all this is hard, I am not going to fool you. I found that once I accepted that the only person I could blame for the affair was myself, then I was able to concentrate on doing the actions which then backed up what I was saying that made her feel safe and secure.
First do not move out! That can hurt you lot in case of divorce!
I'm a guy that is biased to saving the marriage...especially with kids. But I'm not stupid about it. Unless she comes around (clearly she hasn't) there isn't anything you can do. Keep going to counseling even if she doesn't show up.
But if she doesn't come around ask her to move out to figure out her life. Is the AP married? Because that might help you if he is.
There's a decent chance you will file for divorce. Filing is sometimes the only thing that gets their attention! It doesn't mean you have to go through with it.
Odds are high they had car sex. If unprotected be sure to get tested. (that even hurts to type).
If she 100% is dedicated to making the marriage work, this book is about the only way to begin the long, long healing process.
Pls keep us posted with updates.
​
The first anniversary after DDay is going to be hard on her.
Ask her what she wants. She may not even want to celebrate the day. Right now it’s very raw for her.
Healing timeline for infidelity is 2-5 years. First year is her processing what has happened.
Right now she is riding an emotional rollercoaster.
Also, making it to 8 has everything to do with you and how you put into place changes to help her feel safe.
Read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda McDonald. It will give you a basis on the things she needs from you.
You can get it from amazon.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/145055332X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_qagUybCZE9ZZT
Also Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass
This will help you understand how your boundaries were such that you allowed an affair into your life.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0743225503/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_XagUybMQYXFG2
Good luck tonight.
Actually what you need to do is process what has happened. Infidelity can cause trauma to a person because it blows away what you believed about your partner, your relationship, and what you thought you both were in agreement to what the relationship was built on.
Infidelity drains the relationship of the innocent trust that was invested at the beginning of the relationship. It also empties the relationship of security and safety for the betrayed.
If you are going to reconcile then I have a couple of books that I recommend that both of you read. The first one is:
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda McDonald. This is a short 90 page book. Written in 2010 the author based it on another book which I will list down below. Upon discovery of infidelity the imperative for the wayward is to make changes in both attitude and actions which allow the betrayed to feel safe and secure in the relationship.
https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
Her fifteen points on this are:
Waywards who want to rebuild the relationship after an affair
• are non defensive
• examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses
• accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners
• do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner
• show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done
• make amends and apologize to loved ones
• apologize often, especially the first two years
• listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain
• allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings
• respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering
• seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity
• keep no secrets
• do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair
• are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities
• frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing
• are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair
• are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair
• don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children (if any)
• commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and Internal (Spiritual) growth
The last point includes these actions: (I added these from my own experience)
• Individual counseling for the wayward so they can find out what is inside them that allowed them to rationalize the affair.
• Learning what constitutes safe boundaries in interpersonal relationship.
• Couples counseling once the wayward finds those whys and begins addressing them, and acceptance 100% of the affair is on the wayward (no blame shifting)
• If substance abuse is present then wayward must enter a recovery program in order to get the addiction under control.
Part of the above is full transparency and access to any and all online accounts that the wayward has: Social media, email, cell phone, etc.
The book which Linda McDonald based her book on is Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Dr. Shirley Glass PhD. Glass' was one of the first therapists to notice that the symptoms of PTSD and the symptoms of those betrayed by infidelity mirrored each other.
https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503
I will warn you that Not Just Friends can be triggery for the betrayed partner. This is because she takes through the beginnings of an emotional affair, to it becoming physical, to the discovery, and the recovery afterwards. Her example couple is a compilation of various couples in her practice that went through infidelity.
Finally the healing timeline given by most professionals is 2-5 years and this is dependent on many factors. The huge factor in all of this is the wayward, unless they can do the work to make the betrayed feel safe and secure in the relationship then healing can't start. The reason for this is the betrayed needs to see the actions before they can move forward with their own healing.
Finally you are right, something is gone. Your partner has shown you that they weren't the person who you thought them to be. While trust can be rebuilt I don't believe it can ever get back to the point where it was before the infidelity. This is because the betrayal of trust is so very deep and is on such a foundational level.
There is no “just friends” after an affair. Your partner is dealing with what is termed a double betrayal. This is where the affair was with a friend.
Full no contact is usually what is called for because continued contact with the AP is triggering to the betrayed.
Start with this book:
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. McDonald
https://www.amazon.com/Help--Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
PDF found here:
https://www.scribd.com/doc/65498163/How-to-Help-11-06-10-Final-PDF
She lists 15 points of action and attitude that the wayward must embrace to build an environment where the betrayed feels safe and secure.
Since the initial trust, safety and security are gone, these actions are needed in order to show the betrayed that the wayward partner is doing everything in their power to show they are willing to make you feel safe and secure.
These 15 actions and attitudes are:
Waywards who want to rebuild the relationship after an affair
are non-defensive
examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses
accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners
do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner
show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done
make amends and apologize to loved ones apologize often, especially the first two years listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain
allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings
respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering
seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity
keep no secrets
do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair
are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities
frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing
are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair
are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair
don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children
commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and Internal (Spiritual) growth
The last point includes these actions: (I added these from my own experience)
• Individual counseling for the wayward so they can find out what is inside them that allowed them to rationalize the affair.
• Learning what constitutes safe boundaries in interpersonal relationships.
• Couples counseling once the wayward finds those whys and begins addressing them, and acceptance 100% of the affair is on the wayward (no blame shifting)
• If substance abuse is present then wayward must enter a recovery program in order to get the addiction under control
The next book I recommend is:
Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Dr. Shirley Glass PhD.
https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503
The points listed above were culled from this book, but Not Just Friends goes deeper into the affair and the situations around it. It can be very triggery for the betrayed I believe this is because of how she writes the descriptions of the stages of the affair. I urge the betrayed to try to push through the book but when it becomes difficult to put it down and try to come back to it so that you understand the the elements of what is happening or have happened.
I am the wayward in my relationship. My wife and I will have 5 years of reconciliation in a few months.
2 months is extremely early in this process. Most professionals put the timeline at 2-5 years.
You are right, you will never make this ok. That is one of the things about infidelity that it doesn't go away. There is no forgive, forget and move on. That is a myth that has been propagated by most of society and many couple's therapists out there.
You can, however do the work to make yourself a safe and secure partner for your BS and by doing that you have a chance of reconciliation. Reconciliation requires 2 people who are willing. Many waywards don't understand that infidelity can be a deal breaker which means the BS can't handle the knowledge of an unfaithful spouse and will end the relationship. This deal breaker isn't an immediate thing, some BS take years to come to that conclusion trying for years to stay with the WS but finally coming to the conclusion that they just can't do it. This isn't a issue of fairness, its an issue where it just becomes clear to the BS that they can't continue. The wayward in this case could be totally committed to reconciliation and doing everything in their power to build this safe and secure environment. This is how infidelity is so terribly devastating to a person's mental, physical, and emotional health.
The wayward has to change, they have to dig deeply into themselves to figure out what made it ok for them to betray the relationship. This isn't just the surface whys or the excuses used such as I didn't feel loved or they didn't pay enough attention to me. Its deeper. Mine were buried in a deeply dysfunctional home which I was raised in with abandonment issues, and some borderline sexual boundaries being broken by my brother and his girlfriend. I won't go into the whole horrid details on it, you may be able to find it if you read my post history.
The Roadmap to healing is there, you just have to grab onto it. I recommend two books to begin with:
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. McDonald
https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
PDF found here: https://www.scribd.com/doc/65498163/How-to-Help-11-06-10-Final-PDF
She lists 15 points of action and attitude that the wayward must embrace to build an environment where the betrayed feels safe and secure. Since the initial trust, safety and security are gone, these actions are needed in order to show the betrayed that the wayward partner is doing everything in their power to show they are willing to make you feel safe and secure. These 15 actions and attitudes are:
Waywards who want to rebuild the relationship after an affair
• are non defensive
• examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses
• accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners
• do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner
• show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done
• make amends and apologize to loved ones
• apologize often, especially the first two years
• listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain
• allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings
• respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering
• seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity
• keep no secrets
• do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair
• are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities
• frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing
• are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair
• are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair
• don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children
• commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and Internal (Spiritual) growth
The last point includes these actions: (I added these from my own experience)
• Individual counseling for the wayward so they can find out what is inside them that allowed them to rationalize the affair.
• Learning what constitutes safe boundaries in interpersonal relationship.
• Couples counseling once the wayward finds those whys and begins addressing them, and acceptance 100% of the affair is on the wayward (no blame shifting)
• If substance abuse is present then wayward must enter a recovery program in order to get the addiction under control.
The second book is Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Dr. Shirley Glass PhD.
This is one of the breakthru books published in 2000 which showed that there was a small community of therapists who had discovered the parallels between the symptoms of PTSD found in the victims of Combat, Major Accidents, and Natural disasters and those who had been betrayed by their relationship partners. This book helped me to figure out what I needed to do to build up my boundaries to people outside of my relationship.
Linda McDonald's book was based on Dr. Glass' book and her own work with betrayed spouses in her practice. You can find Not Just Friends on Amazon:
https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503
You are in my thoughts, and I want you to know you have a chance at reconciliation, but it's up to you to put in a huge amount of work to show your betrayed spouse that you are willing to do anything and everything to build a new relationship where their safety and security is a top priority.
I am very sorry that you are dealing with this.
Note: I am the wayward in my relationship.... so I come at this from a different angle than betrayed spouses. I will not defend, nor will I justify what your wayward has done.
In order to heal you need to know the truth, and you need to be able to express what is going on inside you. Betrayal can be traumatic in terms of loss of security, trust, and safety in the relationship. After the affair has been discovered then the main requirements are that the wayward needs to adopt attitudes and actions which build an environment of safety and security after discovery.
In How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda McDonald she talks about the actions of the one who betrayed the relationship and she gives 15 points which were common to all her betrayed spouses in her therapy practice.
https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
I am going to list them here:
Waywards who want to rebuild the relationship after an affair
• are non defensive
• examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses
• accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners
• do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner
• show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done
• make amends and apologize to loved ones
• apologize often, especially the first two years
• listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain
• allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings
• respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering
• seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity
• keep no secrets
• do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair
• are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities
• frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing
• are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair
• are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair
• don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children
• commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and Internal (Spiritual) growth
The last point includes these actions: (I added these from my own experience)
• Individual counseling for the wayward so they can find out what is inside them that allowed them to rationalize the affair.
• Learning what constitutes safe boundaries in interpersonal relationship.
• Couples counseling once the wayward finds those whys and begins addressing them, and acceptance 100% of the affair is on the wayward (no blame shifting)
• If substance abuse is present then wayward must enter a recovery program in order to get the addiction under control.
The above actions are only part of the healing that needs to be done. These give you the outward signs that the wayward wants you to be safe and secure and shows you the lengths they will go to in order to give you what you need.
I am going to recommend a book to you it's Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Dr. Shirley Glass PhD. I am going to warn you that this book can be hugely triggery for the betrayed because the author uses an example couple in the book which was made as a composite of many couples in her practice which follows the affair from the beginning to emotional attachment, to physical affair, to discovery, and the steps to healing.
https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503
In order for you to heal it is important that you talk about the affair. Unfortunately most waywards do not want to do this. They want the whole thing to go away and not deal with it and just move on. But you can't do that.
The betrayal blew a hole in your relationship's shared history so now in order for you to understand what happened you need to know the details and knowing the details will help you integrate the known history of the relationship with the unknown.
Glass' book is long, but her in depth look into healing affairs is something I think you need to see, it is also something that your wife needs to understand that you can't just forgive, forget and move on and this is the reason:
You can't forgive what you don't know and what you don't understand. You need to know what happened.
You can't forget, the reason is that it happened. you simply can't remove the past and pretend it didn't happen.
You can't move on. I prefer to use the term Move Through. Moving through means that the affair is looked at, its talked about, its processed. There is openness and honesty about the details. There are no more hidden secrets.
The process of healing from an affair is 180 degrees in the opposite direction that the wayward wants to go. Where as you need honesty, the wayward feels the need to hide details in order to protect themselves from further emotional backlash. This is why its my believe that only a small percentage of waywards will actually do this work.
Again, I am sorry that you are dealing with this, it isn't easy.
Clearly no, that is not how any spouse should be...ever.
Weird thing about these posts tonight...they all have the same question...at the heart. "Can this be saved?" Answer is yes, but is the WS willing to put in that much effort? I think doing some reading is a must.
Real life Reconciliation story. (longer and graphic).
You read this book for both (WS & BS).
Blog post that explains Forgiving is not the Same as Trusting.
Feedback apprectiated
>Ok to give a little bit of background to this I've been with my boyfriend for almost three years, and I'll go ahead and point out that he's bisexual since that has some relevance.
First question - Did you and your boyfriend have an understanding that this was a committed and monogamous relationship?
>The first dday was about a year and a half ago, he was sexting a guy (well call him m) who was a close friend that he used to hook up with on a regular basis and I only found out when I looked through his phone while he was asleep. M tried to get him to physically cheat several times but he told him that he didn't want to "actually cheat" on me so it never turned back into a physical relationship.
Gently here, old flames tend to burn the brightest and and tend to be a red flag. Right now you have only his word that he didn't cheat. Also what he told you sounds very very much like what many waywards tell their betrayeds.
I told my wife in a false confession to cover up an affair about how I was so guilty that I stopped in the middle. Sounds a lot like your boyfriend telling you that he told M that he didn't want to cheat on you. Its a deflection. The question isn't that he told M that... the issue is that M asked multiple times to have sex with him. This shows that your SO has some boundary issues at a minimum, and could be very cunning as to not message back that he was all in with M so that he was able to deny it to you.
>A few months later he physically cheated on me with one of our mutually close friends(well call him k). It really crushed me but after a few months we started trying to make an effort at reconciliation.
Your discovery of this really really really throws a huge shadow of doubt on your SO's first explanation. This shows that he regularly crosses physical and emotional boundaries that you believe are operating in this relationship.
>Things are going really well and I feel like we communicate better than we did before the cheating even with how awful it was to go through. But some things have been really bugging me.
I do hope your are right on this, but my experience is that cheaters that don't do the work that requires them to address the issues in their minds that allow them to make the choices to cheat don't communicate on the level you need to heal from this.
>I don't know why but I have an unhealthy amount of hatred for m, the first guy mentioned. I've had dreams lately where I've gotten in screaming matchs with him, but I can never remember what we were even fighting about when I wake up. There have also been dreams where I've shot him.
This is normal, but it's wrong. You are transferring your anger to M when the anger really is for your SO. If he had good boundaries he wouldn't have allowed this situation to happen.
>I honestly wish that he would actually die, and it makes me upset that I feel this way about someone. I've had other dreams however where we talked it out and made up, and then I would wake up feeling sad because I know he doesn't care and I know that's not a possibility.
Actually in all honesty its probably better that M isn't in the relationship. At the very least your SO and M had an emotional affair and or connection. Contact with the AP afterward keeps the wounds open.
>Me and k have completely made up and I don't feel any anger towards him at all. So I don't know why this is bothering me so much.
Gently, Have you made up or have you guys rug-swept the affair? A lot of people think that reconciliation from an affair is forgive, forget, and move on. Most often what happens is the affair is simply pushed under the surface, you don't talk about it, you don't mention it, but it hangs in the air. You guys tiptoe around it because you don't want to bring it up thinking that it will just make everyone angry and defensive.
You don't mention if your SO or yourself have tried individual therapy. Your SO needs to look into why he made the decision to break boundaries with the first guy, and he made the decision to sleep with the second guy even after you you expressed that this was wrong. So he can't say he didn't know how you felt about this.
There are two books I recommend to betrayeds and waywards. Healing from this is hard and requires the wayward to dig deeply inside themselves to figure out their issues.
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. McDonald
r/https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
This one is short... It can be read in a weekend or in a day. Its based on the next book, but this is to get the wayward on the start of changing their life to help build a feeling of security and safety in the relationship.
Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Dr. Shirley Glass PhD.
r/https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503
This book is a much longer and deeper book, but it really digs into what the wayward needs to do in order to help you figure out what has happened. It talks about how actually speaking about the affair helps build trust. It talks about how the details of the affair help you piece together the missing history that you don’t have in your head. It talks about boundaries and how boundaries play a part in the beginning of the affair.
While it can be hard to read by a betrayed spouse, the information contained is so good that It should be read. You will trigger reading this one. But push through. I know it will be painful because this woman is the one who started to change the face of infidelity therapy.
You both should read
https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
I wonder if you are being paranoid or just reacted from being cheated on like everyone does.
I am the wayward in my relationship. At this point in time my wife and I are 4.5 years out. This month is DDay month and it's hugely triggery for her.
I recommend these two books for healing from infidelity:
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda McDonald she gives 15 actions and attitudes that the wayward partner must embrace in order to help you heal:
https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
Waywards who want to rebuild the relationship after an affair
• are non defensive
• examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses
• accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners
• do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner
• show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done
• make amends and apologize to loved ones
• apologize often, especially the first two years
• listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain
• allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings
• respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering
• seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity
• keep no secrets
• do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair
• are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities
• frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing
• are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair
• are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair
• don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children
• commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and Internal (Spiritual) growth
The last point includes these actions: (I added these from my own experience)
• Individual counseling for the wayward so they can find out what is inside them that allowed them to rationalize the affair.
• Learning what constitutes safe boundaries in interpersonal relationship.
• Couples counseling once the wayward finds those whys and begins addressing them, and acceptance 100% of the affair is on the wayward (no blame shifting)
• If substance abuse is present then wayward must enter a recovery program in order to get the addiction under control.
The next book I recommend is Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Dr. Shirley Glass PhD. This is a larger more complex book. McDonald's book was written from her work with Glass' book in her practice and it leans more into the actions needed to be done by the wayward. However Glass' book goes deeper and more into detail.
https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503
this book can be hugely triggery for the betrayed but the info is so good that I ask that if you get to a part that is hard to handle you put it down and then try to come back to it later. She goes into the steps needed for healing. Why its important to talk about the affair with each other. Why its important that you know the story of the affair which will fill the holes the affair blew into your past. It goes into a lot more, but it talks about how intimacy is built by talking about what happened rather than just trying to hide it.
I highly recommend that the wayward get into IC to figure out the deep reasons for the affair. By deep reasons I am not taking about the silly surface reasons like "I didn't feel loved" or "You didn't pay attention to me." The deeper reasons are why he/she felt like the choice to have an affair was a completely acceptable an appropriate choice.
Reconciliation can work but it requires a huge amount of heavy lifting from the wayward. Look over McDonald's list and check off what your partner is and is not doing. Look at the list and figure out what you need him/her to do in addition of what they may or may not being doing right now.
​
I wouldn't be really all that sensitive. Tell him that because of his betrayal of you you are really having a hard time with intimacy, and you need space.
He is going to react badly... because this close to dday wayward spouses rarely have any idea of what the affair is doing to you.
Gently, you are going through a hard trauma. Yes I said trauma. The revelation that a spouse is engaged in a sexual affair is difficult. According to therapists who treat couples, infidelity is the second most difficult relationship problem, surpassed only by domestic violence.
One of the problems is that many people think they know what it takes to heal from infidelity, unfortunately they are mistaken.
Common wisdom suggest that healing from infidelity requires you to forgive, forget and move on. Unfortunately there is really no forgetting. Forgiving this early on isn't good because you need to be shown consistent and concrete actions that help you have a sense of safety and security in your relationship. Moving on pretty much is shoving the infidelity under the surface and putting on a happy face and trying to make everyone think everything is ok all the while you are dying inside.
Do not settle for this fucked up version of "healing" It will just produce a bunch of unresolved issues that lie below the surface and then explode outward in situations that have nothing to do with the infidelity.
There are two books that I recommend that the wayward spouse read. But I also urge the betrayed spouse to read them too. The reasons is that you need to know what he needs to do. You can't simply leave it up to the wayward because
A) the work is hard
B) if there have been no consequences so far they don't feel they have to do the work
C) they typically just want the pain and the hurt to go away and they would rather just rug-sweep cause its easier.
In my opinion there is a very small percentage of waywards who will actually read these books and then put them into practice. This is why if you are thinking about reconciliation then you will have to look at what he is doing and not what he is saying. His words, because of the affair, contain no truth. Your trust has been so severely damaged that in order to protect yourself you can't allow yourself to give that. This is OK. Its Normal. There is nothing wrong with you for doing this.
So here are the two books I suggest:
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. McDonald
r/https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
Consider this the beginners version of the later book. This book was written by a woman therapist who found that betrayed wives asked for many of the same things over and over and over from their wayward spouses. These actions are not optional. If your spouse is not willing to do any or only some of these then I will tell you that you will not feel safe and secure in the relationship.
I am going to give you Mcdonald’s list of 15 actions that a wayward spouse should be doing to help the betrayed feel safe in the relationship.
Waywards who want to rebuild the marriage:
• are non defensive
• examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses
• accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners
• do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner
• show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done
• make amends and apologize to loved ones
• apologize often, especially the first two years
• listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain
• allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings
• respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering
• seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity
• keep no secrets
• do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair
• are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities
• frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing
• are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair
• are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair
• don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children
• commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and spiritual growth
This book is 90 pages long, and it can be read in an evening by someone who reads quickly. For someone who is a slower reader it takes a weekend. if the wayward says its too hard to read, or takes too long to read it then it is showing you they think they don’t need to do much to help you heal. They need to understand that this work requires a shit ton of work on their part and they need to act. Promises don’t make it in this game.
Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Dr. Shirley Glass PhD.
r/https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503
This book is a much longer and deeper book, but it really digs into what the wayward needs to do in order to help you figure out what has happened. It talks about how actually speaking about the affair helps build trust. It talks about how the details of the affair help you piece together the missing history that you don’t have in your head. It talks about boundaries and how boundaries play a part in the beginning of the affair. While it can be hard to read by a betrayed spouse, the information contained is so good that It should be read.
This book is hugely triggery for betrayeds, but I ask you to continue to push through it in order to read it. This book was published in 2003 and because of her research she is helping to change the face of infidelity therapy.
Remember I told you have been the victim of a huge trauma, its because of the effect of finding out about Adultery such a huge disruption to the mind, body, and emotions that she started treating her clients who had been through this with the same techniques as those who have been through wars, natural disasters, accidents and violence.
Healing timeline from this is 2-5 years (yes, years) and that healing requires that the wayward put a lot of work into themselves to discover the underlying reasons (or whys) they had the affair. Early on waywards will try to toss the blame and hang it on you, the betrayed, the relationship, situations, being drunk, etc.
What you need to know, and what you need to own and never back down from is this: There was nothing wrong with you. There was nothing wrong with the relationship. There was nothing you did or didn't do. Nothing you said or didn't say. Nothing you thought or didn't think. There was nothing that you did or didn't do in bed. Nothing you cooked or didn't cook. Nothing in the way you kept house. Nothing in the number of pounds on the scale. It wasn't that you talked to your mother all the time. Or that you spent too much time with that girl friend you didn't like. It wasn't that you didn't pay enough attention to him. I could add much much more to this list... but it comes down to NOTHING YOU DID caused him to go out and have an affair.
Affairs are born in the mind of the wayward, they are a fantasy, they are illusions. The wayward will come up with all sorts of reasons why they have to go out and have and affair, but in the end (as I said above) the real reasons are they made the choice to turn to someone else outside to marriage in order to get some imagined needs filled inside them.
The usual reasons that I have listed above are what I call the surface whys. In order to figure out the real whys you have to keep digging.
Finally, as a wayward, I will tell you that once the surface whys are found, they will make no sense to you. The reason why is that affairs are not logical constructs. However I can tell you that once I found mine, it was a light for me going on and it allowed me to work on them so that I could heal from them. This work also made me continue to be a safe and secure partner for my wife, and we are going on 4 years of real R. Click on my username and you can read other posts where I reveal the extent of my shit.
Hang in here and keep posting
There are a few experts that have been doing this for decades. One has a book for the cheater but you want to read it too. Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair. He needs to agree to these 15 steps or he's not legit in his dedication to recovery.
Another one is for both of you: Not Just Friends. It's longer and covers pre-affair, affair, Post affair, healing. Very useful.
I highly recommend not winging it. Let these books guide. I'm afraid you will hit an unforeseen wall and not know what to do but divorce.
Read the reviews. You'll see.
I am sorry you are here. First thing you need to do is to take care of yourself.
Eat real food, not just junk food
Drink lots of fluid, this doesn't include alcohol
Get out and walk or some type of exercise. This will help you to clear your head.
According to your posts this is the second time you found out that he has cheated. I say it this way because there is history of him having inappropriate relationships.
Now some blunt stuff:
It isn't your communication skills that caused this.
It isn't that he can't talk about his feelings.
It isn't that you aren't enough for him.
It isn't that the family isn't enough for him.
It isn't that your relationship is broken.
The blunt and brutal truth about all of this is that he had affairs because he wanted to do so. He made a series of choices with each one of them getting him closer and closer to the decision to have a secret sexual relationship with someone else.
One of the things that a wayward / cheater does is to use the gifts that are given within a relationship to cover up their affairs. Because of your love, and trust, you overlooked things that wouldn't be overlooked by someone outside the relationship.
Be very prepared to find out that there were more than just these two times. His cheating could have started up to 17 years ago and continued on. Waywards are great at minimizing and gaslighting situations to where they turn things around on to the betrayed. While this may not be the case, I would caution you to be very wary of him swearing that these are the only two times.
Healing from infidelity is a long and hard process, even if you have a remorseful wayward. It requires a lot of work by the wayward to figure out what is in their head that allowed them to make the choices to have the affairs. We call these "The Whys" He may have fed you any number of reasons why he had the affairs. In the beginning of discovery from infidelity they usually take the form of blaming the spouse, girlfriend, the relationship, and everything else but the person who made the actual decision to have an affair.
That said, healing from infidelity when the spouse / partner continues to blame anything and everything besides themselves is next to impossible.
You are dealing with one of the two top causes of trauma in a relationship, the only thing more trauma inducing is domestic violence.
Here are two books that I recommend to the wayward/cheater. I also encourage the betrayed spouse to read them so they know what the heck the wayward is supposed to do in these situations.
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. McDonald
r/https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
The book 90 pages and can be read in a day or two. It gives a good introduction to what the wayward spouse has to do to be able to allow their betrayed to heal.
Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Dr. Shirley Glass PhD.
r/https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503
This book is a much longer and deeper book, but it really digs into what the wayward needs to do in order to help you figure out what has happened. It talks about how actually speaking about the affair helps build trust. It talks about how the details of the affair help you piece together the missing history that you don’t have in your head. It talks about boundaries and how boundaries play a part in the beginning of the affair. While it can be hard to read by a betrayed spouse, the information contained is so good that It should be read.
McDonald's book has a list of what the cheater has to do. I am going to post it here for you.
Waywards who want to rebuild the marriage:
• are non defensive
• examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses
• accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners
• do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner
• show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done
• make amends and apologize to loved ones
• apologize often, especially the first two years
• listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain
• allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings
• respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering
• seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity
• keep no secrets
• do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair
• are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities
• frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing
• are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair
• are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair
• don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children
• commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and spiritual growth
Notice this list has nothing here that you need to be doing. This is because the wayward is the one that has to do the heavy lifting because they are the one who blew up the relationship.
I should say my bias is trying to make marriages work. I found a great book for the wayward spouse. It's a super easy, short book. It lists 15 things the wayward must do in order to help the marriage recover.
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair:
I'd suggest you read it too! There will be some things in there where you will say "That's exactly how I feel...I just couldn't find those words."
Another book you want is Five Love Languages. Also a short read and not expensive. Sounds corny but it's not. It's super helpful for both men and women.
If you like those two, I can give you other ideas. I get bored easy so books really need to grab me before I recommend them. PM me if you want.
​
I can feel your pain through the words in the post. I don’t have a wayward perspective to help you with this, but I can offer the BP side if it helps?
Firstly, take this one day at a time for now. Your husband is right there with you, and despite the whirlwind of emotions he is facing he is still present. That speaks a lot of his willingness to try and perhaps mend things with R. This may change in the future yes, but in this moment just take each day as it comes, communicating with him and showing up.
The fact that you have faced this head on is commendable. You’re not burying your head in the sand, you understand what exactly you’ve done and accept responsibility. This is a huge first step.
Secondly, you’ve not only acknowledged the affair to yourself, you e told your husbands, and even gone the step of telling your family. I find personally for myself the finding out through suspicion vs the person themselves confessing are vastly different, especially when it comes to R.
The marriage that you both shared, as you know, it is over. Do not reminisce over how things were, the affair is a line in the Sand. This means that the trust you shared together is shattered. He will feel vulnerable, like his heart is a raw open wound. He may be able to eventually heal from this, but the scars will be evident of that.
This will be a hard conversation, but you need not to rug sweep the affair. What I mean is that he’s you’ve shared with your husband and those close to you, but you need to work on your own personal issues that led to this. It will be painful, you may be tempted to just ignore it and move on, but all you’d be doing is putting a plaster on the wound to cover it up. Without exposing the wound, clearing the debris and allowing it to heal, you’ll find yourself reopening it time and time again and R will be difficult to achieve.
Understanding and compassion for your husband is going to be key. He will be triggered, May sadly have PTSD from this, and all you can do is be understanding of his feelings and emotions and not internalise anything that may be said in anger. Do not shift the blame or excuse what happened, if it’s brought up in an argument, take a deep breath if you feel yourself getting heated.
Dig deep during therapy (be as honest as you can be with your therapist and do the work needed to become a more whole and better partner) Meditation and mindfulness are useful tools in managing your stress and anxiety levels during the first few months as it’s important that you also look after yourself during this time. Remembering that you’re doing this to better yourself, to ensure that what happened does not repeat itself, and to grow stronger from this experience. Whether R is on the table or not, this personal development journey is primarily focused on improving you.
Overcommunicate (not sure if this is a word) but what I mean is even what you may think is small, just let him know. Be transparent with your day to day activities, give him access to your devices without him needing to ask, after some time you’ll start to see what are the important things to share and what isn’t. (Maybe you going to the supermarket need not be shared but you collaborating with a male client on a project might as an example)
Boundaries and assertiveness training might be something that you may need to consider, I’ve put a book down that helped me immensely in putting firm boundaries as someone who is non confrontational.
Recommended Books
- Say What You Mean
- Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life
- How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful
- Loving Your Spouse When You Feel Like Walking Away: Real Help for Desperate Hearts in Difficult Marriages 4
(Apologies if the links don’t work, you may need to change the end to your country of residence. )
Ps. You’re indeed still a good human OP. This doesn’t have to define you, but it can be a stepping stone to determining your future self.
> He, of course, apologized, professed his love and asked me to go to therapy with an open mind and heart. I was honest and told him I will go to therapy but no promises.
​ This sub, survivinginfidlity sub, and chump lady are NOT pro-reconciliation and are not balanced. If you want to consider reconciliation, I'd have you take a look at: https://www.youtube.com/c/AffairrecoveryLLC/videos
(note, this is a FOR PROFIT business and a program I've been through)
If this is "repeat" behavior chances are "not good". I can tell you to stop putting any value in words and only value action / in-action.
There's a good book your spouse should read. If he's willing to get it and read it, that's good... If he's like mine and gets it but decides he can't read it, well, I'll tell you how that ends up:
https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
"Oh shit mode" - I'm familiar with that. It wears off. You WILL struggle. If not now, then soon. This is your decision to make. You do not have to make it today.
Okay. Here we go.
Your story is sad because it demonstrates something I see so often but don't want to admit because I'm a man. Male waywards are frequently not as naturally good at doing reconciliation work as female waywards. Now, this is a very generalized statement, and there are terrific male waywards right here in this subreddit. But they are rare compared to the number of solid female waywards we see pass through this little corner of the internet. Some women are like wayward savants. They get it immediately. They don't need a book or instructions. They instantly demonstrate remorse, contrition, and determination, as if they've been doing it all their lives. And then they read the books and get therapy as well because they want every bit of reconciliation ammunition they can get. I've never seen a man like that.
Maybe it's his man card. Male ego. Inability to let someone else be the boss for a while. Just plain old difficulty in saying "I was wrong and I'll do whatever it takes" and then following up on the words. But, that appears to be what's going on right now and the problem is, you know it's not going to get the job done.
Hopefully, it's just a lack of education and understanding. You're going to have to make demands. I'm sorry if you aren't comfortable doing it but it's the only way to move forward. He needs to start reading.
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From an Affair by MacDonald.
What Makes Love Last by Gottman
These are a good start. Tell him you need him to read them in order to reconcile. Then ask him to get into therapy so he better understands why it became acceptable to hurt you.
If he can't do these things then he wants you to sweep it under the rug. Rug-sweeping almost guarantees it will happen again.
That's an answer only she can give, and usually the wayward spouse has to go through individual counseling to figure out the answer.
If she open to it, she should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful (you could read it too).
If you start counseling, you'd both probably benefit from reading Getting the Love You Want. You both should also probably read Not Just Friends, and you would probably benefit from reading Love Must Be Tough.
If you can't afford these books, you can normally get them from your library for free as either an e-book or regular book, and you could probably get the most expensive one for free by starting a free trial with Kindle Unlimited. There's also free .pdfs floating around, but I don't know if they are legitimate.
Go on Amazon and buy this book. Read it over and over until you “get it” Follow the steps on disclosing your affair and ending your affair. https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
OP,
"She did ask the next time they talked if he had any more dreams, he said still waiting for pictures" Not necessarily putting on the stops more like stocking the coals.
"I asked why she never mentioned him and she said she thought it would have bothered me. " Is that all the respect she has remaining for you?
"I asked her how she would feel if this was me and the shoe was on the
other foot and she said she would hurt (she knows she's cheated), but also says I am making
something out of nothing. )gaslighting and trying to brush it under the rug"
To answer your question on the title "Yes", she was having or in the makings of an emotional affair, No you are no making a mountain out of a mole. Her ex is/was quickly gaining making ground - you might want to let her know IC might be good for her and maybe reading too. This needs to go at 100% No Contact, and if it happens again or someone reaches out from the past and she doesn't feel it's important to be transparent then there's more work to be done.
OP, sorry your having to deal with this situation, it's still might be salvageable but your going to have to fight real hard and when the smoke clears she's going to have alot of repairs to do to ever get your trust back. As others have said she's in an emotional affair, and fact that's she's already met him secretly and being distant and in resentment means she's checked out or deep in an "affair fog". Use this time wisely to get your exit plan in motion, also from a BS situation this is your best opportunity to set things back on track or stage the exit to minimize the aftermath.
- lawyer up asap, and file for divorce & custody so you know what it looks like, you can stop these process at any time - but only when she's is doing all the work to repair the damage - follow lawyers advice to the letter & 180/grey rock her asap
- separate finances, and only one joint only for bills & kids, and stash all important documents
- 180 this is your weapon to balance the power dynamics as you work through this shit storm
- read up on emotional affair and sex brain so you can understand what your dealing with
- read Women Infidelity 2 so you can understand what her brain is doing, it's not going to excuse her actions/decisions but it will help you understand why she's acting the way she is and maybe later on when she's coming out off it will help her too
- watch out for DARVO; Sex bombing (she will use this to disarm & confuse you do not fall for it), you should also kick her out of the bedroom make her sleep in the next room/couch and don't move out off the house (abandonment) talk to your lawyer about that - put her out yes but not you since you aren't cheating
- exercise, exercise, and anything you can do to stay active and engaged with the kids and and reach out to your family & friends build up you support network, and start telling folks what she's doing don't hide it always control the narrative.
- expect the worst, she's not the same person you fell in love, and also your trust and confidence has taken a major blow. Follow the 180 it's your best offense, and if she tries to escalate any situation quietly record via phone or cam whatever so she doesn't turn you into a "monster" or "abusive type" - CYA always! Sounds extreme but, read up on other's stories and what they never in a million years saw coming from "her"?
Best of luck guy, we got your back hit us up anytime - sorry to welcome you to the wort club ever.
Your reactions are normal, and even healthy.
What kind of relationship has no foundation of trust? Sure, you snooped, as many of us did. But we did so to find answers to growing suspicions. And you found out.
I advise you to do the following, sequentially:
- talk to a lawyer. It doesn't commit you to divorce.
- Serve him divorce papers. It still doesn't commit you to divorce, but it shows him you mean fucking business.
- When he asks you what the heck is going on, tell him you know about his affair and why he is withholding intimacy from you.
- He will demand to know what you know. Do no tell him. Just tell him you know he's cheating.
- See how he reacts. If it's truly remorseful and he says he wants to fix everything, have him order this book: https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X/ref=sr_1_1 It's a tough love book that will tell him just how badly he has screwed everything up and what enormous work he has ahead of him, should you decide to give him another chance.
Read this and follow it, for starters.
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful https://www.amazon.com/dp/145055332X/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_fabc_65T106F7VA3A1QSQBS3G
Have her read this https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
If she still doesn't get it start the divorce process and tell her the free ride of no work ends now.
Purchase this book. Both of you read it.
https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
You do not have to decide to reconcile or divorce now. You have a lot to process and that takes time. It would be best if you physically separated for at least 30 days. It will help you heal, become emotionally calm and better able to make decisions on your future.
Couple's counseling focuses on the relationship. Problem is that nothing was wrong with your relationship that caused her to cheat.
She didn't cheat because you were lazy.
She didn't cheat because you were depressed
You can't and won't love her and do things that will fix this.
Cheating begins inside the head and its usually has to do with deep seated family of origin issues, and things that happened to her while growing up. We call these the whys and frankly once she figures them out and tells you what they are you will just shake your head and say something "What the Fuck??" The problem here is the why's aren't logical. Affairs aren't logical.
Affairs are based on those things in the mind, plus there is a selfish and self-centered mindset that goes with it that they are somehow entitled to go outside the marriage and engage in a secret emotional, physical or combination of the two to get those inner needs filled.
Your last sentence in your update gives me pause: you feel like you can believe her when she says she is being sincere. Problem with that is her actions in the past blows all of that out of the water. Her words really hold no real meaning and its actions that what are needed to build up trust in the aftermath of the affair.
I believe that couples counseling should only happen after the wayward has accepted 100% of the responsibility and blame for the affair. That they understand that they can't lay the blame on any other person (You, or the AP), Place (The bar, the dancing) or Thing (The alcohol, the drugs, the wine, the music) for the affair. That it was their choice. Not a mistake. Not an accident. Not Serendipity. Not the fact that your favorite sports team in the playoffs. Not the fact that Mars is retrograde with Jupiter and the planetary axis is aligned with galactic center. There is no excuse for what she did and learning to communicate with each other isn't going to fix it because communications wasn't the problem either.
I would suggest that she read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda McDonald. It is a quick 90 page book. It can be read by a fast reader in an evening and a slow reader over a weekend. Don't allow the wayward to read a few pages a week. This is because they need to show some sort of commitment to you that they are going to change in order to build an environment of safety and security to you, so that you can begin your own healing.
She has a list of 15 attitude and actions that a wayward must do in order for the betrayed to heal. I have taken the liberty to paste them here. I have made them statements so as you read them you can understand what she needs to be doing:
In order to to help me heal from the infidelity:
my wife must be non defensive
my wife must examine her motives for their affairs, without blaming me.
my wife must accept her role as healer to me.
my wife must not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner
my wife must show genuine contrition and remorse for what she has done
my wife must make amends and apologize to loved ones
my wife must apologize often to me, especially the first two years
my wife must listen with patience and validate their my’ pain
my wife must allow me a lot of room to express my feelings
my wife must respect my timetable for recovering
my wife must seek to assure me of her love and commitment to fidelity
my wife must keep no secrets
my wife must not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair
my wife must be extremely accountable for her time and activities
my wife must frequently check in with me as to how I'm doing
my wife must be aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair
my wife must be willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair
my wife must not minimize the damage the affair had on our children
my wife must commit herself to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and Internal (Spiritual) growth
The last point includes these actions: (I added these from my own experience)
• Individual counseling for the wayward so they can find out what is inside them that allowed them to rationalize the affair.
• Learning what constitutes safe boundaries in interpersonal relationship.
• Couples counseling once the wayward finds those whys and begins addressing them, and acceptance 100% of the affair is on the wayward (no blame shifting)
• If substance abuse is present then wayward must enter a recovery program in order to get the addiction under control.
You can get it on amazon at this url https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
The next book I suggest is Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Dr. Shirley Glass PhD.
https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503
This is a much longer and deeper book and it really goes into how affairs happen. It can be hugely triggery for the betrayed partner. However I highly suggest it. If it gets hard to read, then put it down and then pick it up as soon as you can. Because she really digs down into and dissects affairs and helps you understand them, and better yet, how for both of you to work together to get over them.
I am really sorry that you are having to go through this. Its a hard journey and it isn't short. It's a 2-5 year rollercoaster that requires a lot of work on the part of the wayward. I believe that almost 99% of the work of healing from an affair is on the wayward. Simply put the wayward through a unilateral choice blew up the marriage, the relationship, and the trust. She didn't give you choice in this.
Are you trying to reconcile? Because if you are doing that and your WS is still trying to hide things then that is not and never will be reconciliation. Right now you are dealing with a wayward who is keeping secrets and that is not conducive to healing from an affair. \
It's completely normal for the BS to need the assurance from checking cell phone accounts, to tracking the wayward on GPS, and looking at the phone during working on reconciliation.
Here are the actions of a wayward who wants to work on
Waywards who want to rebuild the relationship after an affair
• are non defensive
• examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses
• accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners
• do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner
• show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done
• make amends and apologize to loved ones
• apologize often, especially the first two years
• listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain
• allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings
• respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering
• seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity
• keep no secrets
• do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair
• are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities
• frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing
• are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair
• are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair
• don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children
• commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and Internal (Spiritual) growth
The last point includes these actions: (I added these from my own experience)
• Individual counseling for the wayward so they can find out what is inside them that allowed them to rationalize the affair.
• Learning what constitutes safe boundaries in interpersonal relationship.
• Couples counseling once the wayward finds those whys and begins addressing them, and acceptance 100% of the affair is on the wayward (no blame shifting)
• If substance abuse is present then wayward must enter a recovery program in order to get the addiction under control.
This is from the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda McDonald which is found on Amazon at https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X.
Compare this list to what your wayward is doing. If he is not doing anyone of them then you aren't in reconciliation. IF he is giving lip service to some of them but his actions don't agree with his words, then you aren't in reconciliation. If he is doing only one or two of these... you aren't in reconciliation. Reconciliation comes from actions... not from words.
First let me say I am a WS who is in reconciliation with his wife. It has been over 5 years since our day.
I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. No one, and I mean no one should be inflicted with this type of shit show. This is something that you simply can't pick up and move on from, it takes time, it takes patience, and it takes a lot of work from the WS in order to help you do this.
You are dealing with a hugely traumatic event. Infidelity rips apart the fabric of a relationship. It is an attack on your safety and health. It destroys almost all trust in the WS because of the second life they were living and the lies they were telling to you about their fidelity. It destroys the history of the relationship and calls into question many things because of the hidden life that you have discovered.
You didn't humiliate yourself the way you are acting is the way someone who is truly hurt acts. Yes we can all wish that we acted better. After a betrayal there is anger, distrust, fear, anxiety, helplessness, you are pretty much on an emotional rollercoaster which you didn't choose to board.
I don't know what your WS has done to attempt reconciliation, but usually after a month after day we are pretty much still wrapped up in our selfishness and self-centeredness. Since I don't live in your WS head I can't be sure but one month in all I wanted was the pain to stop and life to go back to the way it was before the affair was discovered. Usually this is a time where the WS continues to minimize the affair, and hold back the truth because they want to control the reconciliation.
In reality you control the reconciliation. Only you know what you need in order to reconcile and the WS has no clue on how to do this because the steps of reconciliation are diametrically opposed to the wayward's self-centered and selfish way of living.
I would suggest that your WS read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda McDonald. It is a short kinda beginner book on the actions needed by a WS in order to build an environment of safety and security. This environment is needed because you need to feel safe and secure. Without safety and security you will never move past the hyper-vigilance stage where you need to double check on the WS to make sure what they are doing is matching what they are saying.
Your WS can find the book on Amazon here:
https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
A PDF found here: https://www.scribd.com/doc/65498163/How-to-Help-11-06-10-Final-PDF
She lists 15 points of action and attitude that the wayward must embrace to build an environment where the betrayed feels safe and secure. Since the initial trust, safety and security are gone, these actions are needed in order to show the betrayed that the wayward partner is doing everything in their power to show they are willing to make you feel safe and secure. These 15 actions and attitudes are:
Waywards who want to rebuild the relationship after an affair
- are non defensive
- examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses
- accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners
- do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner
- show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done
- make amends and apologize to loved ones
- apologize often, especially the first two years
- listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain
- allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings
- respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering
- seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity
- keep no secrets
- do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair
- are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities
- frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing
- are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair
- are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair
- don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children
- commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and Internal (Spiritual) growth
The last point includes these actions: (I added these from my own experience)
- Individual counseling for the wayward so they can find out what is inside them that allowed them to rationalize the affair.
- Learning what constitutes safe boundaries in interpersonal relationship.
- Couples counseling once the wayward finds those whys and begins addressing them, and acceptance 100% of the affair is on the wayward (no blame shifting)
- If substance abuse is present then wayward must enter a recovery program in order to get the addiction under control.
Reconciliation from infidelity is freaking hard even when the WS is doing everything right, and next to impossible when they aren't.
WS here. A book that really helped me was Linda MacDonald's "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair". It provides an excellent set of guidelines about changing behaviours, what the BS could expect and boundaries to set, and a timeline for rebuilding trust (18 months!)
https://www.amazon.ca/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
(not that i'm promoting amazon, it's just what came up 1st...)
You must read the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful. It is a short but excellent book to help the unfaithful get back on the path. From one of the reviews on Amazon (I recommend that you read through a bunch of the reviews on Amazon):
> The author is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. After 22 years of counseling, she wrote this book to "identify certain behaviors on the part of unfaithful partners that tend to determine the success or failure of their efforts to save their marriages, post-affair" (p. 9).
>
>These behaviors include:
>
>-- Understanding the wrongness of his unfaithfulness
-- Understanding the depth of pain he has caused his spouse.
-- Three barriers to understanding the damage he has done.
-- How to remain resilient in spite of setbacks during recovery.
-- Being realistic about recovery taking time.
-- Respecting the betrayed spouse by allowing her to set the pace and type of healing needed, such as a temporary separation.
-- Telling the truth about one's unfaithfulness rather than waiting to be discovered.
-- Showing remorse and shame rather than defensiveness.
-- Breaking off all contact with the affair partner, including phone calls, texting, emails, and face-to-face.
-- How to end the affair.
-- Stumbling blocks to severing ties with the affair partner.
-- Undoing the damage from one's lies and rationalizations.
-- Accepting full responsibility for one's affair.
-- Being patient with the betrayed spouse's emotions and time needed to recover.
-- Being more sorry for the betrayed spouse's pain than for one's guilt of unfaithfulness.
-- Growing in expressing true empathy and heartfelt apologies.
-- Doing whatever it takes to rebuild trust.
-- Successfully responding to the betrayed spouse's "triggers".
-- Making amends with your children.
-- Changing your core character.
What you did has changed him forever. It could take years for him to not feel broken. Neither of you are the same people any more. You are, in effect, strangers. And this is unsettling you.
Waywards often do not grasp the depth of the damage done. And yet that has to be the first step.
If your first priority is in alleviating your own fears, rather than understanding the impact on him and fixing him, then that selfishness will shine through and underline that he comes second to your own needs and desires.
Ironically perhaps, it is you getting to know him better, to understand his hurt, that will dispel many of your own fears.
You will never be able to accept his current state of mind until you understand it. But you will have to make a lot of effort over a long period to be able to do that. And this may be hampered in the short term if he is still in shock and turmoil over his own emotions and thoughts. Do you have the commitment to put in the effort needed?
To give you a little insight, he is experiencing a cocktail of emotions and his thoughts are chaotic. He may be experiencing all of: extreme trauma, PTSD, low self-worth, both hate and love for you, envy at your adventures, distrust for the world, a sense of unreality about existence, maybe even suicidal. And the one person who he would have confided in is the very person who caused it all.
If you two are ever to stand a chance of having the relationship succeed, then you both need to be able to feel what the other is feeling to understand them and help them heal. But you have to take the lead. He has to see you fighting for the relationship to know that it is genuinely important to you.
I felt for a long time that my spouse could not even see the pain, doubt, fear, disgust and loathing (including self-loathing) that I felt every day over their betrayal. It felt like a gap between us, that I was left to deal with it on my own. Phrases like "Its been years now, you should be over it" just felt like a knife going in.
Until I stumbled upon a book that explains the impact. I initially read it on Kindle, but soon realised that they should read it them selves. I bought a paper copy and wrote copious notes in every margin on every page. And then gave it to them.
They read it in one evening. And the look on their face finally told me that I had managed to convey a large part of what they had done to me.
This is the degree of realisation that you need.
Download the book. Read it. Buy them a paper copy and ask them to make notes in it. Read them. Discuss it. Cry. Shout. Hug. Cry again.
Only once you are passed that stage will you both be able to address your own personal issues. Or maybe you then won't need to.
Hi OP,
A great place for you to go visit is http://survivinginfidelity.com
The have a great library of resources on healing and many wonderful commenters. I would also recommend you have your partner read the book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" Amazon link here:
https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
I wish you well and please stay safe.
IMO, How to Help your Spouse heal from Your Affair is the gold standard. You both should read it. Bonus is that it is short and concise.
Infidelity causes huge trust issues in the BS. Trusting is no longer a simple decision because you have found out what your WS is capable of doing. You have caught her lying to your face, you may have caught her gaslighting you i.e. deliberately trying to make you second guess what is going on.
Because of this the ability to trust is gone. You are going crazy because you can’t trust no matter how much you would like too.
Because of this lack of trust the WS must make the time and effort to put your insecurities at ease and build an environment in the relationship where your safety and security are key
You can find the book on Amazon here
https://www.amazon.com/Help--Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X PDF found here: https://www.scribd.com/doc/65498163/How-to-Help-11-06-10-Final-PDF
She lists 15 points of action and attitude that the wayward must embrace to build an environment where the betrayed feels safe and secure. Since the initial trust, safety and security are gone, these actions are needed in order to show the betrayed that the wayward partner is doing everything in their power to show they are willing to make you feel safe and secure. These 15 actions and attitudes are:
Waywards who want to rebuild the relationship after an affair
are non defensive
examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses
accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners
do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner
show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done
make amends and apologize to loved ones
apologize often, especially the first two years
listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain
allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings
respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering
seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity
keep no secrets
do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair
are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities
frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing
are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair
are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair
don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children (if any)
commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and Internal (Spiritual) growth
The last point includes these actions: (I added these from my own experience)
Individual counseling for the wayward so they can find out what is inside them that allowed them to rationalize the affair.
Learning what constitutes safe boundaries in interpersonal relationship.
Couples counseling once the wayward finds those whys and begins addressing them, and acceptance 100% of the affair is on the wayward (no blame shifting)
If substance abuse is present then wayward must enter a recovery program in order to get the addiction under control.
From your post
She is not being accountable for her time and activities.
She is keeping secrets
She is not frequently checking in with you as to how they are doing
And isn’t aware of and anticipating triggers of the affair
All the actions you describe raise red flags especially the disappearing 3 days a week.
First let me say that I am a wayward that is in reconciliation with his wife. I am not going to defend your husband's actions. I am not going to explain them away.
I am sorry that you are here, and dealing with this. Affairs are a traumatic experience, and what you are going through is normal in the aftermath of discovery.
There are a couple of books that I recommend for affair recovery. Lets start with the first one:
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda McDonald. It is a short 90 page book. I read it in an evening, and I am a really fast reader. Most waywards can get through it over a weekend.
https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
This book was based on a much larger book which I will talk about down below.
When your husband revealed his ONS to you this caused some deep mental, physical, and emotional reactions in you. First your limbic system which controls the fight or flight reactions was flooded with emotions. The limbic system is NOT controlled by the higher functions of the brain so you can't mentally will these reactions away.
The revelations stripped away the idea of who your husband was, it was like you didn't know him. This caused you to lose any trust, security, and safety you thought you had in the relationship. The very person who you thought was going to protect you ended up not protecting you. Another thing is now what you thought was the past isn't really the past, there is now the information about the affair that you have to fit into it. This is why you will continue to ask questions because your mind is trying to figure out if the situation is safe and secure or if it isn't.
Your mind not only races around the history around the date of the affair, but it races up and down the full history. It's looking for things that you were able to brush off due to the invested trust of the relationship before the ONS. Now things that seemed innocent and were easily put aside now seen with different eyes. This is because you aren't sure If you have the truth or not, and this is why it is important for you to have as much truth as you need in order to feel like you have full knowledge of what happened.
Healing from infidelity requires the wayward spouse to build an environment where you feel safe and secure. This requires constant work and action on his part. Unless this happened you will not be able to move forward because your limbic system will still feel you are at risk.
Linda McDonald has a list of 15 actions and attitudes that are common to all betrayed spouses. This list was put together in working with women who had been betrayed in her own therapy practice.
Waywards who want to rebuild the relationship after an affair
• are non defensive
• examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses
• accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners
• do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner
• show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done
• make amends and apologize to loved ones
• apologize often, especially the first two years
• listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain
• allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings
• respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering
• seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity
• keep no secrets
• do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair
• are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities
• frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing
• are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair
• are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair
• don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children
• commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and Internal (Spiritual) growth
The last point includes these actions: (I added these from my own experience)
• Individual counseling for the wayward so they can find out what is inside them that allowed them to rationalize the affair.
• Learning what constitutes safe boundaries in interpersonal relationship.
• Couples counseling once the wayward finds those whys and begins addressing them, and acceptance 100% of the affair is on the wayward (no blame shifting)
• If substance abuse is present then wayward must enter a recovery program in order to get the addiction under control.
After infidelity you don't go back to the innocence of the relationship of before. This is because the affair happened, you can't not pull it out of your mind.
Like I said Linda McDonald based her book on Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Dr. Shirley Glass PhD. This is a longer book and goes deeply into how affairs happen. She goes into why strong interpersonal boundaries are key. She goes through the stages of the affair and the discovery and was one of the first writers to notice that betrayed spouses suffer symptoms that mirror PTSD.
This book can be extremely triggery for the BS, even so I recommend that the BS read this book. If you get to a part that is hard, then set it down until you can pick it up again. Because the information is so good.
Shirley Glass, emphasizes that talking about the affair with each other actually is healing, the problem is that most waywards don't want to do this because they believe it will just make the BS angry.
From my experience as a wayward, I found that I wanted to control the flow of information and the reason was that I was trying to protect myself. Waywards will make the excuse they are protecting the betrayed but that is just a rationalization. We minimize the truth and hope that you will accept the minimization, but the problem is that the truth has a way of coming out.
With this in mind I now want to focus on this part: “ONS” that didn’t lead to sex.
Unfortunately this is what I am talking about when I mention minimization. What does this actually mean. If this is all the information you were given and you haven't found out anything else your brain can and will try to figure out just want your partner means by this term. In my vocabulary ONS means having sex with someone you just met. So not only is there no clarity in this term he has given you. On the surface is also sounds misleading.
I have been on infidelity boards way too long and have seen too many betrayed partners talk their partners who just "kissed' or "Held each other" and later they come back to post that it was full on sex.
I am a firm believer that in order to heal you have to know what you are healing from. Anyhow, I have written a huge wall of text. I am sorry that you are dealing with this.
Cheating is not a mistake. A mistake is picking up the wrong kind of milk at the store. Not meeting a girl and cheating with her.
The healing timeline for infidelity is between 2-5 years, and it requires the wayward partner to do the lions share of the work in order to build a new relationship with you where your safety and security are of the first importance.
Here are two books that will give him what he needs to do in order to help you heal from this. You can't fix this, because cheating is something that is inside the head of the wayward, somehow they are able to rationalize and convince themselves that it is ok to have sex outside a committed relationship.
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda McDonald
https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
Her book is based on actions that she found were common to all of the betrayed spouses which she worked with going through infidelity. its short, and can be read in an evening for someone who reads fast or in a weekend for a slower reader.
I have rewritten them in statement form for you:
In order to to help me heal from the infidelity
my boyfriend must be non defensive
my boyfriend must examine his motives for his affairs, without blaming me.
my boyfriend must accept his role as healer to me.
my boyfriend must not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner
my boyfriend must show genuine contrition and remorse for what he has done
my boyfriend must make amends and apologize to loved ones
my boyfriend must apologize often to me, especially the first two years
my boyfriend must listen with patience and validate my pain
my boyfriend must allow me a lot of room to express my feelings
my boyfriend must respect my timetable for recovering
my boyfriend must seek to assure me of his love and commitment to fidelity
my boyfriend must keep no secrets
my boyfriend must not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair
my boyfriend must be extremely accountable for his time and activities
my boyfriend must frequently check in with me as to how I'm doing
my boyfriend must be aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair
my boyfriend must be willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair
my boyfriend must not minimize the damage the affair had on our children (if any)
my boyfriend must commit himself to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and Internal (Spiritual) growth
The last point includes these actions: (I added these from my own experience)
• Individual counseling for your boyfriend so they can find out what is inside them that allowed them to rationalize the affair.
• Learning what constitutes safe boundaries in interpersonal relationship.
• Couples counseling once the wayward finds those whys and begins addressing them, and acceptance 100% of the affair is on the wayward (no blame shifting)
• If substance abuse is present then wayward must enter a recovery program in order to get the addiction under control.
Next book is Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Dr. Shirley Glass PhD.
This book is longer and more in depth. It goes through how affairs start and the mechanics of the interactions. It can be hugely triggery for a betrayed because she writes out the story of a couple's affair which was built out of a composite of some of her clients. So the descriptions can be hard reading on the betrayed spouse. However she does go through the stages of the affair, discovery an then what is needed for the partners to heal.
https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503
I am sorry that you are having to deal with this. It's probably one of the hardest things that you will go through.
"How to Help your Spouse Heal from your Affair." It lays out a 15 point recovery plan the WS needs to follow...if they want true reconciliation. It's a short read. Good for you too.
"Not Just Friends" is a longer book that goes into details on how affairs start, the affair, and the aftermath. Also excellent.
Frankly, these two books are the gold standard for reconciliation.
​
Rebel,
Depends on what your endgame is. If you want to reconcile then you need enough of the truth so that you can heal from it.
Your wife is still keeping secrets, and that is not good.
My wife was one of these who needed to know everything. So we bought a program to try to recover them. We did get a lot and she still has the information on a thumb drive somewhere.
When she had looked at them enough she asked me to take the data off her laptop, and together we did that, but the thumb drive still gives her an option to go back thorugh the infromation.
In order to reconcile your wife must be willing to do anything and everything in order to make you feel safe and secure. She is not doing this and this is why you still need to snoop.
After 4 years, my wife rarely looks at accounts. I still send her email and passwords for accounts that I create for my business such as twitter and facebook. She told me that she doesn't need them, but I told her that I am still going to send them to her if she feels the need to look.
I am goint to list a book that helped me get to where I am with my wife and the 15 points that the author says the wayward should be doing:
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. McDonald
https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
Waywards who want to rebuild the marriage:
• are non defensive
• examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses
• accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners
• do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner
• show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done
• make amends and apologize to loved ones
• apologize often, especially the first two years
• listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain
• allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings
• respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering
• seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity
• keep no secrets
• do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair
• are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities
• frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing
• are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair
• are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair
• don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children
• commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and Internal (Spiritual) growth
The last point includes these actions:
- Individual counseling for the wayward so they can find out what is inside them that allowed them to rationalize the affair.
- Learning what constitutes safe boundaries in interpersonal relationship.
- Couples counseling once the wayward finds those whys and begins addressing them, and acceptance 100% of the affair is on the wayward (no blame shifting)
- If substance abuse is present then wayward must enter a recovery program in order to get the addiction under control.
Just realize that the wayward will instinctively hold back information. This is a self-preservation tactic. The common way this works is they will only tell you what you have found out yourself.
Remember that reconciliation takes two committed partners in order for it to work. It doesn't work if the wayward isn't willing to come totally clean.
You are early into this this, and there is going to be a huge emotional rollercoaster for you. Your mood will swing happy to despair and all stops in between. Triggers, thoughts of the affair will invade your mind and will hit out of nowhere.
One of the best beginning books that I recommend is written for the one who destroyed the relationship which is called:
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. McDonald https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
The book is 90 pages long, and can be read in a day if the reader is fast, or in a weekend if the reader is slower. Many waywards will get the book and delay reading it. They will make excuses, These are signs that what the wayward really wants is to sweep this shit under the rug and never mention the affair again. This is NOT the way that relationships heal from affairs.
This book gives solid advice on behaviors and attitudes that the wayward spouse must adopt in order to rebuild the relationship. While it has a Christian leaning towards it (the author is Christian) the advice is solid for anyone who is trying to reconcile a relationship which has been affected by infidelity. I also suggest that the betrayed spouse also read this book to know what the author is telling the wayward that they need to do.
This book is one that needs to be read and studied. These attitudes and actions are things that need embraced as a lifetime change. This isn't a checklist that can be gotten trough in a week or a month. Here is a list of the items that McDonald says that waywards must do:
Waywards who want to rebuild the marriage:
• are non defensive
• examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses
• accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners
• do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner
• show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done
• make amends and apologize to loved ones
• apologize often, especially the first two years
• listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain
• allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings
• respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering
• seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity
• keep no secrets
• do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair
• are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities
• frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing
• are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair
• are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair
• don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children
• commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and spiritual growth
I would then follow up with this book.
Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Dr. Shirley Glass PhD. https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503
This book is much longer, but it's one of the books that actually started a revolution in the way that affairs recovery is handled by therapists. In the past the way that the therapy community handled affairs was to try to get the couples to "Forgive, forget, and move on." Problem is there is no forgetting, forgiving, or moving on until the trauma is processed.
Infidelity is a traumatic event that sends physical, mental, and emotional shockwaves through the body. It affects everything.
First thing it does is alter the history of the relationship. The timeline between what the betrayed thinks is true has been shattered. Because of the love and trust that is invested in the relationship, events that seemed innocent in the past become questionable in the present. This is why complete honesty by the wayward partner is crucial. Since they know the truth of the pass their answers will help fill in the shattered timeline of in the betrayed's mind.
Dr. Shirley Glass, says that talking about the affair with each other helps heal it. Problem is that wayward's don't want to talk about it because they are afraid of the reaction.
Now, I am neither pro-reconciliation or pro-divorce. I am pro-get-the-fuck-out-of-infidelity. The path to reconciliation and divorce are the same up to a point. At that point a choice must be made. The wayward in the relationship will be the one in reality makes this choice which is determined by their actions and attitudes. The above list by McDonald gives a good indicator where the wayward's head is at.
​
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful https://www.amazon.com/dp/145055332X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_BXHdCbM3Q1GJT
Speak with your actions. Be transparent. Be present. Get off social media. If it was a messaging service and the messages can be hidden, it no longer exists in your life. Have an open phone policy... he gets all passwords.
https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
Sorry about that
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. McDonald
r/https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Dr. Shirley Glass PhD.
r/https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503
Realize that therapists can be rated on a scale from criminally negligent to super freaking awesome. While there is a new wind blowing through the the therapy world, there still seems to be a percentage of therapists who hang onto the old tired bullshit that affairs are caused by relationship problems.
Unless you hear this from the Therapist's lips you could be getting your wayward's "interpretation" of what is being said. I gave my Therapist permission to discuss what is going on in therapy with my BS so that she didn't have to go through my filter. You might ask your WS to do this and then you meet with the therapist and find out what he is telling your WS.
The two books that I recommend are
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. McDonald
r/https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
and
Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Dr. Shirley Glass PhD.
r/https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503
And those two books don't put the blame on the betrayed spouse.
My view is that if he can't take responsibility for his actions, he isn't going to work to change himself. How can it be your fault. Every action of his that he made to make the affair or affairs go forward were facilitated in his mind. He made the decisions therefore the affair is his fault.
Nobody, and I mean nobody can force someone to do something they don't want to do. Its just not possible. There is nothing you did or didn't do, nothing you said or didn't say, nothing you thought or didn't think that forced him seek out another woman / man / animal / alien life form / and have a secret sexual or emotional relationship with them.
Part II
Because of all this family baggage, I seek out attention, and love from outside sources. It comes from admiration, physical touch, etc.
After all of this, my wife didn't leave, but we changed the dynamic of our healing. Instead of us looking to what was lacking in the relationship we started looking at me.
There are two books that I recommend to waywards who want to rebuild the relationship of their marriage. Both of these are not "get your needs met by your wife" but more of the you need to fix the shit inside you that allowed you to have affairs.
Here is what we started with:
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. McDonald
r/https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
This book is a quick read, she based this book on the next one that I am going to give you in a few lines.
I am going to give you Mcdonald’s list of 15 actions that a wayward spouse should be doing to help the betrayed feel safe in the relationship.
Waywards who want to rebuild the marriage:
• are non defensive
• examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses
• accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners
• do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner
• show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done
• make amends and apologize to loved ones
• apologize often, especially the first two years
• listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain
• allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings
• respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering
• seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity
• keep no secrets
• do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair
• are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities
• frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing
• are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair
• are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair
• don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children
• commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and spiritual growth
This book is 90 pages long, and it can be read in an evening by someone who reads quickly. For someone who is a slower reader it takes a weekend. if the wayward says its too hard to read, or takes too long to read it then it is showing you they think they don’t need to do much to help you heal. They need to understand that this work requires a shit ton of work on their part and they need to act. Promises don’t make it in this game.
The next book is what I consider the best book on healing infidelity written in the last 20 years.
Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Dr. Shirley Glass PhD.
r/https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503
This book is a much longer and deeper book, but it really digs into what the wayward needs to do in order to help you figure out what has happened. It talks about how actually speaking about the affair helps build trust. It talks about how the details of the affair help you piece together the missing history that you don’t have in your head. It talks about boundaries and how boundaries play a part in the beginning of the affair. While it can be hard to read by a betrayed spouse, the information contained is so good that It should be read.
Again, this book can be triggery but information it has and the treatment plan it lays out can and will help a betrayed and a wayward to heal their relationship if they both are committed to it.
I am sorry you have found yourself on an infidelity sub needing advice.
It sounds like he is love bombing, unfortunately its more than just those actions that you need in order to get through this.
Where was this before you found out? I will give you some thoughts. I am a wayward, and my wife and I are coming on 4 years of reconciliation. Wayward's are selfish, self-centered, and they are that way even after dday. They just don't become different people in days or a few weeks.
For my recovery, I needed and counselor that understood infidelity and what it takes for a wayward to help the betrayed begin to heal. My wife gave me a timeframe for showing results, it was 2 years. Because of trickle truth during first seven months, my wife didn't believe shit that came out of my mouth. She asked for and I agreed to take a polygraph. I passed.
During those seven months, I was still selfish and self-centered. I was making choices to cover my ass and not to allow my wife to heal.
It takes more than I love yous or flowers, or candy, to fix this. It takes concrete actions that allow you to feel safe and secure in the relationship. I am going to give you some info from a great book that is written for waywards. The author, in her practice, when working with betrayeds and listening to them on what they needed in order to heal.
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. McDonald
r/https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
I am going to give you Mcdonald’s list of 15 actions that a wayward spouse should be doing to help the betrayed feel safe in the relationship.
Waywards who want to rebuild the marriage:
• are non defensive
• examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses
• accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners
• do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner
• show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done
• make amends and apologize to loved ones
• apologize often, especially the first two years
• listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain
• allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings
• respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering
• seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity
• keep no secrets
• do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair
• are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities
• frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing
• are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair
• are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair
• don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children
• commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and spiritual growth
This book is 90 pages long, and it can be read in an evening by someone who reads quickly. For someone who is a slower reader it takes a weekend. if the wayward says its too hard to read, or takes too long to read it then it is showing you they think they don’t need to do much to help you heal. They need to understand that this work requires a shit ton of work on their part and they need to act. Promises don’t make it in this game.
Finally healing from this is akin to a team of climbers who are climbing up a mountain. The lead climber moves up the mountain face, and as they climb up they have to fasten stakes and anchors up the face of the mountains so that the climbers that are following have safety because of the anchors and stakes that they have fixed before them.
Now lets put this in the perspective with the wayward and the betrayed. The wayward is the lead climber. They have to put in the right work (anchors) and right attitudes (stakes) in order for the betrayed to feel that they attempt to start the climb up (healing.) Each time the wayward doesn't do the right things its like sinking an anchor wrongly and the rope pulls out and the betrayed falls (trickle truth) If the wayward is careless and doesn't do the work right or does the wrong work, then you can't even begin to heal.
I am sorry you are here. I am sorry that are hurting. My wife was so hurt by what I have done to her. I post here to try to give a perspective by a wayward who is working to hold the relationship together. I will tell you that I am not pro-reconcillation or pro-divorce. I am pro getting out of infidelity, and in order to do that with the relationship intact requires a lot of work on his part. I will be the first to say that if he doesn't do the work, or ignores what he needs to do then the only way out of infidelity is to move on. There is no middle ground in infidelity, the middle ground is limbo and that is not healthy or safe for you.
I think you are expecting too much from yourself... Infidelity isn't something that happens, and you forgive, forget and move on. No.. Infidelity is a physical, mental, and emotional trauma which requires the wayward to put in some pretty specific work to make you feel safe and secure.
Early on after dday my wife would text me and ask what the fuck I was doing at a McDonalds, or where I was when the find my iPhone couldn't determine my location. Because the infidelity had emptied her completely of any trust, she needed that iPhone app to make sure what I told her I was doing was actually what I was doing.
The call about the McDonalds was that I was working at a site, and needed lunch. I drove out to pick up lunch. When the iPhone showed that I was not in the location she thought I was supposed to be she called. What I had learned is that I couldn't be defensive over anything. I answered the phone and let her know I was picking up lunch and a drink from McDonalds and that afterwards I would be heading back to the work site. From that incident I learned that before I left to grab lunch, I needed to text her to let her know. Because of the trauma from infidelity which I put her through, when she couldn't locate me her head made up all sorts of scenarios.
One time I was at a 12 step group meeting. She called and I left group and called her back, she asked me where I was, and I told her I was at the church with the group. When I got back to my seat, I had a good friend who was in the program with me agree to take a selfie. I texted it to her. She knew the guy, and knew that I met him in the groups.
There were times that I would take a picture of where I was, and send it to her just to keep reassuring her that my actions were mirroring what i was telling her.
There are two books that were invaluable to me to help my wife through this healing:
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. McDonald
r/https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
I am going to give you Mcdonald’s list of 15 actions that a wayward spouse should be doing to help the betrayed feel safe in the relationship.
Waywards who want to rebuild the marriage:
• are non defensive
• examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses
• accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners
• do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner
• show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done
• make amends and apologize to loved ones
• apologize often, especially the first two years
• listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain
• allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings
• respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering
• seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity
• keep no secrets
• do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair
• are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities
• frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing
• are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair
• are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair
• don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children
• commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and spiritual growth
This book is 90 pages long, and it can be read in an evening by someone who reads quickly. For someone who is a slower reader it takes a weekend. if the wayward says its too hard to read, or takes too long to read it then it is showing you they think they don’t need to do much to help you heal. They need to understand that this work requires a shit ton of work on their part and they need to act. Promises don’t make it in this game.
Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Dr. Shirley Glass PhD.
r/https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503
This book is a much longer and deeper book, but it really digs into what the wayward needs to do in order to help you figure out what has happened. It talks about how actually speaking about the affair helps build trust. It talks about how the details of the affair help you piece together the missing history that you don’t have in your head. It talks about boundaries and how boundaries play a part in the beginning of the affair. While it can be hard to read by a betrayed spouse, the information contained is so good that It should be read.
In order for you to heal, he needs to be putting in actions and attitudes that show that he is changing himself, and because these changes backup what he tells you that you can start to win back safety and security in a relationship where all of that has been blown away.
What you are going through is normal in the aftermath of an affair. Its because all the anchors that kept you grounded and secure in the affair were ripped out by the very person who was supposed to have your back. He has to actively work on each and everyone of those things that anchored you in your safety and security, and rebuild them via actions. Once actions and words mirror each other, then and only then can you feel any safety and security to feel like you can even begin to trust again.
I am really sorry you are here. Hang in there.
Darkstorm, sorry you found yourself here.
Betrayal is a huge mindfuck. Recovery is counted in years not days or months. It’s a hard road even when the wayward is willing to put in the hard work.
What you are feeling is normal. It’s part of the shock of the first year. You believed one thing and 4 months ago what you thought was true was blown to hell. Your mind is trying to piece together the truth from what you thought you knew and what you have just found out was happening.
One thing to realize is that nothing you did or didn’t do, said or didn’t say, think or didn’t think caused the infidelity.
The reasons for infidelity are encased inside the waywards head. Waywards will rewrite the marital history to excuse their behavior. They will also grab onto any excuse they can to take the blame off themselves.
Most books put the healing timeline at 2-5 years and this time period is if the wayward is doing everything right to repair the relationship.
Just what is your wife doing to help you feel safe and secure in your relationship? This is the question. The reality is that the majority of what needs to be done is on your wife’s shoulders.
There is a basic book I recommend to waywards.
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda McDonald
In it she lists 15 things the wayward should be doing consistently.
Waywards who want to rebuild the marriage:
• are non defensive
• examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses
• accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners
• do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner
• show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done
• make amends and apologize to loved ones
• apologize often, especially the first two years
• listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain
• allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings
• respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering
• seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity
• keep no secrets
• do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair
• are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities
• frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing
• are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair
• are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair
• don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children
• commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and spiritual growth
Take each of these points and grade your WS on them.
Here is the url but don’t buy it for her. Give her the url and see if she takes the initiative.
https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
Many waywards will get the book and 2 months later they are on chapter 2. It’s 90 pages and in larger type. A slow reader who has initiative can read it in a weekend. I was able to read it in less than 4 hours.
So he isn't working with an IC right now? Can I ask what he has done in order to facilitate his healing?
As I have said in my earlier post shame spirals become a substitute for healing. It becomes more of "Look how much I hurt because I suck so much" vs. "Look at what I am doing in order to make you feel safe"
As a wayward, I have found more strength in knowing that my actions show that I am remorseful rather than a show of remorse which in reality puts me center stage.
The problem with keeping it all inside is that he can't heal himself. He doesn't have the resources, in order to do that he has to get out of himself.
I believe that concrete action will help him move beyond shame:
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda McDonald https://www.amazon.com/dp/145055332X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_qagUybCZE9ZZT
Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass https://www.amazon.com/dp/0743225503/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_XagUybMQYXFG2
I would also point him to Brene Brown's videos on Shame:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psN1DORYYV0
And vulnerability:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o
her book "I thought it was just me" which I will add was written more for women than men really helped me.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000SEHDGM/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
Overcoming shame takes work, and from my experience I needed a professional to help me get started.
I think it does matter because there's all sorts of resources for 'spouses' (for example, http://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X), but everyone just expects you to break up if your dating partner/fiance cheats on you. If you're not married and you still feel like there's something there to be saved, you're kind of out of luck.
Anyway, I'm not sure if my story can be considered a 'success' story because we're still right in the middle of things, but we've lasted this long (5 months) in the face of incredible pain and terrible people around us telling us to break up just because.
I stayed because I was ready to promise him my life, for better or for worse. The thing is, his choices don't affect who I am. I'm still the honest person of integrity I set out to be before all this, with a few bumps and scrapes, of course. The past 5 months have been hell – PTSD-like flashbacks of the details, meeting the OW and hearing her side of the story, digging up the truth because he claimed he couldn't remember any of it. There have been tears, screaming, even chasing him out of my house with a broom when he wouldn't leave after a flashback. Is all of this insane? Yes, probably. We've gone to war, we've gone to hell, and somehow we've held on. Somehow I've found something about us that's precious enough to fight for.
5 months is nothing, though – we have a long, long road ahead of us, full of counseling, fighting, crying and trying to discover what it is about us we still value. I'd love to hear from other unmarrieds who have been after this a lot longer than I have, but my advice to you is this: Your healing comes first. If you're holding back because you're scared they're going to leave, the relationship isn't worth anything. Let them leave. If they aren't willing to be honest, go to counseling, listen to you vent, hold you when you cry, cut off contact, or just generally go to hell and back to repair the damage they've done, they are not. worth. your. time. I don't believe in third chances.
I still love the boy, but if he ever lies again, we're done. He knows this.
The best thing I can suggest is read these two posts. Him too! I think they will set a better footing for your therapy...both personal and marriage.
I will say he came clean properly. Even willing to let you go public. That's the best response I've ever read on this sub. I'm not saying to forget about what he did! I'm just saying I think he's on first base by his sincere apology.
Read this book. asap (mainly for him).
Both read this reconciliation post. Its awesome.
Both read How Long to Regain Trust post.
I'd appreciate feedback after you read.
I'm the guy who tries to keep marriages together...whenever possible. This sounds possible. Step one, after you start breathing again is have the ws read this book. You read it too. Go over every chapter together. This only gets you to first base.
Tell her you really want her to read this book to see how committed she is. If she won't even buy it, then the marriage is likely toast.
(get audio book if that easier for you).
I'd have the book review even before you do therapy (2nd base).
Don't the lease dictate decisions. If/when you move back in, you can find someone to sub-let.
Anyway, I think staying apart until you both agree the work will be very hard for her. This book outlines what she will need to do to make the marriage work. The book 100% has your back.
I'd love to help. PM me after you land on 1st base if you want help. I'm a guy in my 50s.
Thoughts?
Popular alternatives to How to Help Your Spouse Hea...
No More Mr Nice Guy: A Proven Plan for Getting What You Want in Love, Sex, and Life
The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts
