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The Joy of Sex: The Ultimate Revised Edition?
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This is a great book: https://www.amazon.com/Joy-Sex-Ultimate-Revised/dp/0307587789
But in the end, other than the basic penis in vagina or penis in butt or fingers (whatever your orientation is), sex is about trying different things to see what you like and what your partner likes. It’s not just about achieving orgasm but feeling good together. Honestly, your first time may be short and clumsy but that’s okay! Everyone’s first time is a bit clumsy because you’re learning something new. But communication is a big part of things. You could have a bunch of toys or technique but unless you talk to each other about what you like, it won’t be as good as it could be. Also, don’t focus on perfection or some idealized version of sex. There will be sounds and mistakes made (like farts or slipping out or smacking heads or something) and all you can do is laugh about it instead of be embarrassed. And porns can show you some things but it’s also a fictionalized version of sex, set up to exaggerate things to get people horny. Don’t expect sex to be like a porn. It’s not. Oh, and if you’re going to try anal, read up about it first. It takes some prep work to make it comfortable for the receiver.
Other than that, make sure you have protection and a water based lube, and have fun!
Back in the early 1970s, Dr. Alex Comfort wrote a book The Joy of Sex, which is essentally a "laboratory manual" for couples to learn from each other about sex, and what feels good.
Buy it, and do ALL the exercises. Each of you put a check mark for "Again" and an X for "Nope!", AFTER you have done them. Then you can go back through the manual and re-do all the "double check mark" pages.
>I think this comes from the horrible self image I've had for the majority of my life.
He married you. And he's STILL married to you. He does not share your poor self-image, and probably thinks you're at least a "9" - in his mind. He's right, and you're wrong, and you need to accept HIS view of you, not your own. Women never think they look good, even though most of you are quite lovely.
Back in the 1970's, Dr. Alex Comfort wrote a book The Joy of Sex, that's sort of a laboratory guide for experimenting with sex.
Get it. Do the exercises, and all the positions. Figure out what EACH of you likes, and go from there.
Basic laboratory manual for sex; Alex Comfort's Joy of Sex. It's THE classic sex education manual for inexperienced adults.
> This is my favorite form of foreplay these days, I think. I enjoy the way he uses his fingers, and he got me off this way recently.
Mine too! My SO is a genius at what we call "yoni worship" and tantric massage, and it's SOOO nice! ����⚡️�� ��
There are many different ways to go about fingering and women differ a lot in what they like and need, so couples often need to do a lot of experimentation to figure out what works best. (I think that's one reason most men aren't very good at giving female handies.)
We do a lot of edging, which is extending the arousal phase while delaying the orgasm. It increases the amount of sensual pleasure and also makes the orgasms last longer and feel stronger. In our case, we have found that about an 80:20 mix of fingers and oral is about optimal for both of us, although we vary it quite a bit. We've found that mixing up different approaches helps the edging process last longer and it also keeps us from falling into a rut.
In addition to using oral and a variety of fingering techniques, we also mix in occasional uses of a vibrator on my clit to get me up to (or back up to) a high plateau level before he switches back to fingers or oral. Not everyone likes it, but it's definitely worth a try as you both learn more about managing your arousal pattern!
> I don't hear much talk of this online though.
Actually, there are whole communities devoted to tantric sex and erotic massage, where those of us who love giving and receiving this kind of sex tend to congregate. Try r/tantricsex for starters. The sidebar has links to some good online resources for a beginner.
This is my review of a website that provides tutorials on dozens of different techniques for using fingers. It's a paysite, but definitely worth it:
Here are some books you might want to check out:
This is a collection of articles I wrote that includes several articles on erotic massage, including reviews of videos that demonstrate excellent technique:
If you are interested in going beyond erotic massage, this article is an overview of the secular (non-religious) kind of tantric sex:
...and this is a book-length instruction manual that is online and free:
Here are some other perspectives on tantric sex:
Have fun exploring!
My SO and I have been together for nearly 28 years and the sex has been terrific for almost all of that time.
However, we actually HAD a DB, during the third year we were together. We discovered that the kind of sex that worked for us at the beginning was not sustainable. During those first two years, we had pretty normal high-intensity sex almost every night. At first, the NRE and the thrill of having passionate sex with a wonderful man was enough to carry me along.
But as the NRE wore off, as I came under more stress from other things, as we both came under a lot more time pressure, and as sex became more of a routine, I stopped getting much pleasure from it. I would get barely aroused and then be left hanging, and eventually even the arousal part dwindled to nothing. It started to feel actively unpleasant and I started looking for excuses to avoid it, even though I loved him with all my heart and really, really didn't want to lose him.
We did a lot of research and experimentation, and solved what turned out to be a multi-sided problem, including communication and stress management. But the most important change was adopting a completely different approach to sex itself. We did sensate focus therapy/sensual massage therapy for months. We also learned to meditate, and then started doing tantric sex on a regular basis.
This has become the anchor of our week. We try hard to block out time every Sunday morning that is just for each other. Within that, each tantra session we do is about 3 to 3.5 hours. It's terrific sex: intense, passionate, orgasmic, loving, joyful, and fun. It's a way of telling each other at an almost cellular level how much we love each other and love giving each other pleasure.
I've written a lot about ways to sustain the passion in a long-term relationship, with an emphasis on edging, sensual massage, and tantric sex. Here are some links that others have found helpful:
Escaping a Dead Bedroom – our own experience and how we recovered from it
What Lesbian Couples Can Teach Straight Couples About Good Sex
If things have gotten stale, sensate focus therapy is probably the best way for couples to reconnect at both the physical level and the emotional level. You can do it with the help of a sex therapist or do it on your own:
Some books you might want to check out:
Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life
She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman
This is a collection of articles I wrote about having better sex; it includes several articles on erotic massage, including reviews of videos and a website (OMG Yes!!!) that demonstrate excellent technique:
For couples who are interested in going beyond erotic massage, this article is an overview of the secular (non-religious) kind of tantric sex:
...and this is a book-length instruction manual that is online and free:
I hope this helps!
Here are some things for them to read, think about, and try:
Sensate Focus: Getting Out of Your Head and Into Your Body During Sex
She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman
Extraordinary Passion -- The Art and Science of Modern Tantric Sex
The first three have links to lots more resources as well.
Happy exploring!
I see that TantraGirl has already given you a link to my blog. I do encourage you to read it and share the link with him. But when you do read it, pay attention to the early posts about whether you're ready (as a couple) to learn tantric sex. I have not seen much success at learning full-blown tantra among couples who are still having trouble with the basics of good normal sex, and especially if they are having trouble with their relationship.
> I have a lot of anxiety and I also feel massage to help me relax would help, but again,on the rare occasion I ask, he tries to massage me and it's very fast and jolting, I feel like he's shaking me into more alertness vs slow and relaxing. He says that's just how his brain works, but I think neither of us know what intimate massage consists of.
Now this is something you can do right away! It's a small, discrete, solvable piece of the bigger problem that you can tackle together, and if you solve it, it will move you forward in an important way.
Here's my suggested approach:
Start out by scheduling a double massage appointment at a local spa. Nothing tantric or sexual, just a good masseuse or masseur. Make sure in advance that it will be okay for you to watch and ask a few questions while your bf is getting his massage, and vice versa while you are getting yours. This is so you know what a good massage looks and feels like, and so you'll have a shared frame of reference later on.
Then check around and see if you can find an instructor who teaches 'couples massage.' The instructor should be willing to stand across the table and show you what to do as you massage your bf, and then show him what to do when he's massaging you. You want someone who will explain what you should do and why, while demonstrating the right pressure and speed and correcting any bad or jerky or tentative motions.
You MIGHT be able to find someone who is both a licensed masseur/masseuse and a tantra instructor, in which case they can cover both the second and third phase. Otherwise, after your massage lesson, you have the option of trying to find someone who does tantric massage and is willing to demonstrate on each of you. But finding someone reputable is really hard, and you can actually take the third step – from regular massage to tantric full-body massage – on your own, with the help of some books and videos.
This is a review I wrote about a website that provides tutorials on dozens of different techniques for clit and vulva massage:
It's a paysite, but definitely worth it if you can get your boyfriend to actually work through the tutorials
Here are some books you might want to check out:
This is a collection of articles I wrote that includes several articles on erotic massage, including reviews of videos that demonstrate excellent technique:
And this is an article by TantraGirl with a ton of links to other good resources:
I hope this helps. Have fun exploring!
The Joy of Sex is a timeless book for great advice, tips, and general knowledge about sex and sexuality.
One of the best books out there for any gender:
The Joy of Sex: The Ultimate Revised Edition
> Anyone have any advice?
Understand that reactions to sex vary by individual and by how those individuals have sex.
> "it hurts. A LOT."
It can. If your hymen is intact it probably will hurt at least some. If that worries you, buy a sex toy and break it yourself. You can even take some painkillers and/or drink a lot and the pain will likely be fairly minor. Give yourself several days to heal before engaging in sex with your partner.
Sex can also hurt for women if you're not sufficiently lubricated. Again, this can be helped by store bought lubricants. It's usually cheap and you should err on the side of too much than too little. However I'd suggest that your partner perform some oral sex first. You'll enjoy it (he might too, many men enjoy performing oral sex on their partners) and it should help a lot with lubrication.
> that's what it's supposed to feel like
Calling bullshit on this one. Consensual sex is never "supposed to" hurt. You may find later on (when you are more comfortable with sex) that some spanking/slapping or other things that would otherwise be painful to you are enjoyable in the context of sex. Some people do like that sort of thing, and some don't. And even if you do generally like it, some days you won't. When it comes to that sort of thing be sure to tell your partner if there's anything that you don't want. If they're a good partner, they'll listen, understand, and do their damn best to please you.
For more on this, pick up something like "The Joy of Sex", which frankly does a much better job than I am in explaining a lot of these things.
Bottom line though, there is no "supposed to" when it comes to sex. Different people have different sexual issues and hangups and kinks. I will tell you, as a 53 year old man, neither my wife or I have ever wished we had less of it. Now that our sex drives are winding down, we actually really wish we'd taken advantage of our youthfulness to have more of it (and been kinkier about it as well).
It's worth noting that some people due to their physiology, both men and women, can experience pain regularly during sex. It's fairly rare, so I wouldn't worry about it, but if you do find it happening for goodness sake see a doctor about it. It is rare to have a condition that can't be treated at all.
> there's tearing, and blood. And yes you can feel your insides rip
Yep, a bit of each of those when you first break your hymen. Have you had your ears pierced? That hurts too. If you really want to get a grasp of the shit women have to put up with, look up the term "episiotomy", you'll have that to look forward to if you decide to have kids. Breaking your hymen is like a mosquito bite to that. Let me tell you, when I first learned what it was, I was very very happy to be male. As it happens, both my kids were born via c-section, so my wife never had to have one, but oi they sound nasty!
But enough of the scary shit. Almost always sex is fun, intimate, and often a bit sticky. Keep tissues nearby if you can.
> ejaculation feels like someone forcing hot water inside of you
Whomever told you that has a shitty sex partner and they should either train them better or find somebody better at sex.
> Has anyone else been freaked out over catholic sex-ed either in church or school?
I went to a nice public school in Canada and learned pretty comprehensive sex ed. My wife went to a mix of Catholic and private schools in the bible belt of the USA and she got almost no good sex ed. Fortunately her teen years were in a non-religious private school so she missed out on the joys of Catholic fear indoctrination for sex ed, but it pissed her off when we were trying to get pregnant the first time that I knew more about her body than she did. The number of times she was reading up on fertility and came to me with a "did you know X" and I answered yes, was actually kinda sad. And my wife was a good student so she wasn't just slacking off, she was literally kept in the dark about her own sexuality.
Might like this... https://www.amazon.com/Joy-Sex-Ultimate-Revised/dp/0307587789 Also Karma Sutra...
The classic 1970 book (but now updated); Alex Comfort's Joy of Sex might get you out of your ..... "rut" isn't the right word. "Chasm", perhaps.
MojoUpgrade can help you discover unexpected things you might both be interested in - but too ashamed or shy to admit to each other.
Sex is between your ears, not between your legs. You can learn sex, you don't have to be stuck with the equipment bestowed by nature.
I recommend doing some research. "The Joy of Sex" and "She Comes First" are both books I'd recommend that you start with.
Is this link NSFW the kind of thing you're looking for? It's not drawings, I know, but it's not actual people either. It's more like animations taken from Second Life or something.
Also, the book The Joy of Sex is rightly considered a classic. I have the original; the current version apparently has photos in addition to drawings.
Oh and I suggest you buy a copy of The Joy of Sex and leave it lying around for her to find.
The Joy of Sex: The Ultimate Revised Edition https://www.amazon.com/dp/0307587789/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_KblGDbG46SBHQ
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